Love Written on September 12, 2010, by eheath.
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” — Thomas Merton
What is love? The scriptures state the Lord’s greatest commandment is to love Him and love each other.
“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39).
We love our families, right? Consider the love you felt on your wedding day or the first time you held your newborn child. Mindy loves chocolate. Eric loves apple pie. Maybe you love Ferraris or scrapbooking or hunting. Hmm, we use the same word to describe many different emotions. So what is love? What is God’s love?
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”
(1 Corinthians 13:4, Holy Bible, English Standard Version).
“How clearly the Savior spoke when He said that every other commandment hangs upon the principle of love (see Matthew 22:40). If we do not neglect the great laws—if we truly learn to love our Heavenly Father and our fellowman with all our heart, soul, and mind—all else will fall into place” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov. 2009).
How do we receive this and share it with others? Unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.
Kinds of love: If, Because, Even Though
I love you if…if you are nice to me; if you do what I say; if you are popular; if you can get me what I want.
I love you because…because you are pretty, smart, talented, rich, obedient, successful.
Both of the above are selfish and conditional; therefore, they are not truly love. Consider the third alternative: I love you even though. I love you even though you are imperfect. I love you even though you have weaknesses. I love you even though you make mistakes. This is how God loves us and how we can learn to love others.
Additionally, true love must be loving to everyone involved. We are not suggesting that if someone is beating you that you say, “I love you even though you abuse me.” Continuing to accept the abuse would not be loving to yourself or to the person committing the abuse as their sin hurts their own soul as well as yours. In that case standing up for yourself, removing yourself from the situation or otherwise stopping the abuse to continue would be loving for both of you. Let us explain further. In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the idea of win/win, win/lose, and lose/lose in how we approach our relationships. Win/lose means that we can enter any relationship or situation with the objective of getting what we want no matter what the outcome will probably be. We win at the expense of the other person’s feelings or needs. Lose/lose would amount to neither party getting what they want. Win/win means finding an outcome that is beneficial and acceptable to both parties. We suggest that win/win is the only loving choice. It has to be loving to all parties to qualify as true love, otherwise it is something else. If it is loving to you but not to the other person, then if you look deeper, you may well find you are somehow hurt also. Again, unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.
“If you think well of others, you will also speak well of others and to others. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If your heart is full of love, you will speak of love” (Mother Teresa).
So what are some concrete ways to increase unconditional love in our lives?
Quality vs. Quantity
Much has been said about the idea of quality vs. quantity. We’d like to offer you a slightly different view on the subject. Basically we wonder how you can have one without the other; they are two sides of the same coin. Quantity does not necessarily produce quality, and it’s challenging to create quality if you never spend time together. Let us illustrate. Have you ever spent three hours watching TV on the couch next to someone? That’s quantity right? Consider whether your relationship was enhanced. Did any bonding occur? There are many ways to interact and many purposes of interaction such as fun, instruction, work, etc. We believe whatever the interaction the primary goal should be an increase of love between those involved — increased bonding, depth, respect, appreciation, and/or trust for each other. So did sitting on the couch next to each other increase love?
Please consider an alternate scenario. It’s late, past dinnertime and a discouraged husband is returning home after a less-than-successful day at the office. Deadlines weren’t met, his boss was frustrated, and all he wants to do is relax and forget about the day before he has to face it again tomorrow. He opens the door to his house to find a his wife pacing the floors with a very fussy baby. Still in her pajamas, even though it is evening, it is obvious her day has been dedicated to caring for a sick child. Dishes and laundry undone, exhausted with worry, she cannot wait for her husband to take a turn comforting the child so that she can sit down for just a moment. Both are overwhelmed; both need and deserve a break. In a split second the next few hours are decided. Will they think of their own needs or recognize the needs of the other? Consciously choosing love, they see the needs of the other. The husband drops his briefcase and phone and takes the fussing baby in one arm and his wife in the other. In the comfort of each other’s arms, they both sigh relief and let their souls fill up with the knowledge they are not in this life alone.
Were all their troubles solved? No, but more troubles were not added in selfishness and fighting. Their spirits were also lifted and comforted in each other’s love and support, giving them the strength to go on. Quality in a split-second decision. Deep affirmation of their love and support of each other and perspective that this bad day will pass. Personally we believe this type of quality can happen when quantity is consistently used to develop the relationship.
There are several ideas that can affect the quality of love in our lives.
C. S. Lewis said,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
First of all, is your heart open to love? Honestly look deep inside yourself. What condition is your heart in? As you’ll read in the chapter on stories, Mindy had several stories that the Lord was merciful enough to teach her were inhibiting her ability to receive love. She writes, “I deeply loved my family, but as I looked honestly into my own heart, I realized it was bruised and battered and that I held it somewhat guarded against any future harm. As I prayerfully chose to release those past hurts through Christ’s Atonement, I was also able to choose to open my heart and fully receive the love around me, beginning with my husband and children. I am a visual person, and it’s as if I was holding my heart locked away in a fortress with a heavily guarded gate. As I choose to open the gate, I saw my family and friends all around ready to give me so much love.”
Do you see the love all around you? Are you open to receiving it? If you’re wondering what on earth we’re talking about right now, your heart is probably pretty open. On the other hand, if your chest feels somewhat constricted at this idea or your breathing has suddenly become more shallow, we suggest you take a look at why. Real love is about both giving and receiving. If you are only giving love, it is incomplete. It can actually become stifling and drag you down.
Once you are ready to receive love, the knowledge that we all give and receive love in different ways is extremely valuable. We’ll explain more in challenge #3.
Challenges
1.Make a list of 25 things you love or admire about your spouse. You can keep it to yourself, or if you feel so inclined, share it with him or her. Sharing is preferable.
2.Without your spouse’s knowledge, commit to say and do only loving things to him or her for 2 weeks. Take it a step further by committing to follow this in and out of his or her presence, i.e., don’t complain to the guys or girlfriends about your spouse. And even further, control your thoughts by replacing each unkind thought with 3 things you are grateful for about your spouse. It is highly beneficial to write about these experiences. Warning: If this is really a stretch for you, you probably really need it. Also you may get some suspicion or resistance from your spouse, but keep on in your commitment.
3.One way to use quantity time in the most impactful way is to learn how your spouse receives love and then give it to him or her daily. What is most meaningful to your spouse? Time together? Love notes? Helping with the dishes? For example, Mindy can give Eric gifts, even really thoughtful ones, but they don’t really make him feel loved. They don’t have much meaning for him. However, if she take a few minutes and rub his shoulders or feet, he feels extremely validated. For Mindy, Eric can do everything else right but if he neglects to arrange quality time for them to be alone to talk on a fairly regular basis, she begins to feel unappreciated.
What makes you feel special? What makes your spouse feel validated? Consider this and share with each other; then commit to fulfilling one thing for your spouse each day. Dr. Gary Chapman explains these ideas in great detail in his book The Five Love Languages.
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