We were touched by the sincerity of both husbands and wives in their desires to be loving, fulfilling spouses.  Others expressed deep hurts caused by their mates and felt helpless to know what to do.  They won’t divorce, in most cases, but are simply existing in the marriage, praying for help. We yearn to somehow help heal these unhappy marriages. Others wrote of the deep love and happiness they enjoy in their marriage. Many wished for a few more items to be discussed, so we will attempt to address the issues requested and add a few more of our own thoughts.

1. Remember what brought you together

Before we jump into deeper waters, we want couples to reaffirm their love for each other.  One thing that can help this happen is to remember your courting days and the early years of your marriage.  What is it that attracted you to your mate?  Let your mind wander back to those early days when you first fell in love.  Was it her cute smile, his deep blue eyes, her testimony, his desire to serve the Lord?  Seriously think about it. It’s fun and important to remember those days.

What caused you to ask her to marry you? Why did you say yes There had to be things about your mate that made your heart flutter, your cheeks flush, and you arms yearn to hold that wonderful person and make you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her.  Then remember your wedding day and the vows you took at that time, the promises you made to each other and to the Lord. Keep those memories bright and shiny.

Take the time tonight when you are together and talk about those early years. It will put a spark back into your marriage. Then tell your kids about how you met and where you were married. They’ll love hearing the story again and again.  Remembering can strengthen your commitment to each other, and it can bless your marriage and family.

2. Be the same person wherever you are.

Is the person people see at church the same person your family sees at home?  We received a letter from a husband who had served many years in a prominent stake position. He said, “On the surface most would think we are the ideal LDS family. Others see my wife as a kind, faithful servant that works hard and is helpful to others, but she is a different person at home. My wife prefers to focus on the negative things in our home and with our children, and seemingly has nothing positive to say to anyone in our home.  Our children recognize that their mother isn’t very happy and usually stay out of her way.  I love when we have visitors in our home because my wife usually keeps that kind, loving attitude up for them, making it so we get to see a pleasant wife and mother for a short time.”

This letter is about a wife but it could just as well be about a husband who has fallen into this pattern. It has everything to do with creating a happy marriage. Of course, everyone is on their best behavior when at church or other public places. Home has to be a place where we can relax and let our hair down; however, that doesn’t mean we become a different person than others see.  We owe it to our spouse and children to be on good behavior at home, too.  Being a happy face at church and a sad face at home makes for confused kids and an unhappy home and marriage.  Spouses and children need to see that best-foot-forward image at home more than anywhere else.

So what do you do when your spouse behaves like the one in the letter? We suggest you stop looking at all the negatives in your wife or husband and start focusing on the positives.  It may take a little practice, but it will pay big dividends.  Whenever your sweetheart does something good, tell her or him that you appreciate it. Notice it!  Keep a sharp eye out for every good thing your mate does and let her or him know you’re noticing those good things.  And compliment your spouse. It’s so nice to be acknowledged.

Say please and thank you to each other. These simple words that we learned in kindergarten and Primary do work.  One couple, as they got ready to go to their marriage therapy session, was approached by their eight-year-old daughter who asked them where they were going.  The mother replied, “We’re going to meet with someone who is teaching us how to be better parents.” The daughter asked, “What has he taught you?” Reaching for something to say, the mother replied, “He’s teaching us how to say please and thank you.”  To which the daughter said, “It’s about time somebody did.”

Couples need to get back to the basics. It will change your attitude toward each other immensely.  Time and time again it has become evident that the use of these simple courtesies has opened up the ability to handle the harder things in marriage.

If things don’t change, and sadness and negativity prevail, it may be a sign of clinical depression. A visit to your doctor may be helpful.  There is medical help for these types of mental illnesses. Or it may be that you need to visit a marriage counselor. Do what needs to be done to save your marriage and family.

Another suggestion came from one of our readers. He said,”Cut the criticism. Nothing kills a marriage faster than constant criticism. Practice EPR– Encouragement, Praise, and Recognition (appreciation). This is a secret sauce and I have a firm testimony of it. Both partners have to be committed to it. It is as easy to form a culture of EPR as it is criticism. It becomes a habit– but a very good one. This is not a pollyanna thing. It is real and it works for those committed to it.”

So we issue the call: Wake up, husbands and wives, and bring the light of the gospel home. Don’t leave it at church.  Let it shine and bless your marriage and the lives of your children every day.

3. Keep sexual intimacy alive and well

Even though we addressed this subject in the previous articles, because of the letters we received it needs to be reiterated and expanded. The following words from a reader spotlights the seriousness of this problem in many marriages. He wrote: “I tell my wife she looks nice, but she mostly ignores me. I tell her I love her but she hasn’t told me she loves me for many years.

We went on a vacation for a week several months ago and had a good time but there has been no kissing or intimacy since then.

It is very frustrating and challenges my optimism to deal with the constant rejection month after month, year after year.  I want to have a great marriage but my partner seems to have other aspirations. . . .

“Life would be nearly perfect if the girl I love and married in the temple would love me. As a faithful Latter-day Saint, the only person on earth that can make love to me won’t—that makes life so sad and disappointing.”

Since every case is different, we can’t possibly know all the reasons why some couples have intimacy problems.  However, there are a few commonalities that can be addressed, which we’ll do by quoting more comments from letters readers sent following our last article. We’ve selected just a few from the many.

Letter 1:“I don’t get how women have a hard time feeling guilty with sex after they’re married. I was never taught to never have sex; I was taught to wait until marriage. What is so confusing about that? And how do women NOT see how much better their relationship is after sex!!”

Letter 2: “[Regarding sexual intimacy] I think it is important for wives to not only be willing, but be the INSTIGATORS! Your husband doesn’t want to be the only one asking (or pleading in some cases) every single time. They need to know you’re attracted to them as well, and sometimes when the wife initiates the intimacy, it helps!”

Letter 3: “I so agree with the importance of a happy and lively sexual relationship in marriage, but in listening to the husband mentioned in the article complain, I wonder how much foreplay he is or isn’t engaging in. We women have a harder time going from off to on, but with the right ‘moves’ from our husbands, we comply with gusto!”

Letter 4: “In my marriage, my husband lacks the desire for intimacy and I’m the one that begs for the touch. I’m told that he doesn’t need it or think about it, and I have to go without. . . . We’ve been married almost 33 years and the majority of that time I’ve been starved for intimacy. My husband is a good man . . . . So, even though sex would definitely help our relationship and it is important, I can just accept the way he wants to show me love and choose to be happy. As Sister Hinckley said one time, ‘You can either laugh or cry your way through life. I choose to laugh, as crying gives me a headache.’ So, after 33 years I’m just going to laugh the rest of my life with my husband.”

Letter 5: And now for a final opposite point of view from a very frustrated over-sixty husband. “I have continued to treat my wife with respect, tenderness, kindness, helping her in anyway she needs but I never approach the intimate anymore because the verbal answer is the same as is the physical.  Just to suggest how the intimate would go – it is akin to ‘when you are through please let me know so I can turn out the light and go to sleep.’  It isn’t that she has not been available physically it is just that an emotional response during the intimacy has been limited and makes it virtually impossible to respond to the demands of the sexual arousal.  When the arousal is not forthcoming she automatically thinks it is because I am no longer physically able to perform.  Such is not the case.  Her response, ‘it’s ok – I understand’ and ‘I am fine with it’, is so demeaning that it just became impossible to go on.

“I can still recall the last time we were intimate, the words came to my mind ‘it just isn’t worth it any more,’ and I decided I had made the last attempt and the last intimate overture.  So for approx 2 years now – no physical intimacy – and she says nothing – assuming that ‘I have a problem’ and she is being a good wife by not bringing it up.  I still have needs and would love to pursue it but having pursued it for several times and receiving the same response each time, it is just too painful and emotionally draining that I cannot go there anymore.  One counselor indicated that I should go home and sweep her off her feet and give her a big kiss to break the ice.  I suggested that with the intimacy of the relationship basically dead, to do that would be like going home and kissing my sister.  Not that my sisters aren’t nice and wonderful mind you.

“So then – with all of the ‘availability of relationships’ out in the world today, it is very difficult not to pursue some outside interest.  However, lately I suggested to someone, that there are times when rather than look at the reasons why one should divorce, perhaps it is wise to look at reasons why to stay together.  e.g.  The family, the interaction with grandchildren, the pain that would be projected into the lives of the children, the peaceful home environment etc.  In other words there are more reasons to stay together than separate.  Hence, I stay and play the role of fulfilling her needs of food, and any other material needs she may have.  Even good conversation, which  again leads her to surmise that all is well in the nest.  So, as was indicated previously, ‘Thousands of men suffer in silence’ and indeed I am one of them.  Is there an itch to view inappropriate material? Absolutely, with the justification that it is better than going out and finding a real person with whom to fulfill some intimate exchange.  So far I haven’t a good answer.  I have spoken with many men and so many of them say, ‘It appears that later on in life we are just meant to suffer through it and hopefully make it and be rewarded for the sacrifice in marriage.’  This certainly was not what was anticipated when we made our vows over the altar of marriage.”

This letter brings up the important point that just because bodies and abilities change with age (and sometimes from illness or stress or an unresponsive spouse) does not mean you cannot have a sexually intimate relationship with your wife or husband. By being willing to explore new ways to bring pleasure to your mate you can enjoy a new dimension of love.  Later years can be sexually fulfilling if couples put their mind and heart into it.

At all stages of life, in order to enjoy sexual fulfillment, we need to follow the admonition of Paul: “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” (1 Cor. 7:3,4)

President Spencer W. Kimball clarified Paul’s statement when he said, “There are many aspects to love in marriage, and sex is an important one.

Just as married partners are not for others they are for each other.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 73)

Wake up, husbands and wives.  Enjoy a loving, sexual relationship, both of you.

If your wife does not enjoy this part of your marriage, please do a little research and find out what might help her enjoy it more.  And ask her what would help. If your husband struggles with lack of interest, find out why. There are reasons, either physical or emotional. Get help so you don’t miss out on this important part of marriage.

On the subject of finding joy in sexual intimacy we recommend a couple of books: (1) The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, a pastor/counselor and his wife who approach the subject from a Christ-centered perspective while giving detailed help. (2) And They Were Not Ashamed by LDS author Laura M. Brotherson, which focuses on strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment.  If you need to visit a marriage counselor for this issue then do so soon.

4. Talk about birth control

Sometimes there is a misconception about the Church’s stand on birth control. The following letter raised this issue.

“I have known many LDS women who use complete abstinence in their marriages, because the church does not endorse birth control, but abstinence is acceptable. Um, to WHO? By the way–abstinence is the most aggressive and effective method of birth control available to mankind. My husband would have been very, very unhappy if I had suggested this thing. I am still stunned when I hear a child-bearing age sister refer to this–if I were your husband, I would leave you, period. Men really need this physical release and demonstration of love. As a life-long active member, I urge young married women to find something else–but don’t do this to your wonderful husbands! It makes them very vulnerable to other women, at the very least…and destroys the intimacy of a marriage, as well. My advice: don’t even entertain the idea.”

The Church is very careful to stay out of the personal decisions of married couples. This is made clear in the latest Church Handbook 2: Administering the Church, under the heading Birth Control.  In part it states: “Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.” (Italics added)

It also states: “Sexual relations within marriage are not only for the purpose of procreation, but also a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual ties between husband and wife.

“Husband and wife are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families. Issues to consider include the physical and mental health of the mother and father and their capacity to provide the basic necessities of life for their children.

“Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple. Elective abortion as a method of birth control, however, is contrary to the commandments of God.”

If you need advice regarding your personal situation you may want to discuss it with your gynecologist.  Then prayerfully seek for answers that feel right to both of you.  Remember, “Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity.” (Church Handbook 2)   Seek help in knowing what’s best for you. That’s what having agency and the guidance of the Holy Spirit is all about.

5. Express your love

In a General Conference talk Elder David A Bednar said, “Brethren and sisters, when was the last time you took your eternal companion in your arms and said, ‘I love you’?

“We should remember that saying “I love you” is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and demonstrate love.

“President Thomas S. Monson recently counseled: ‘Often we assume that [the people around us] must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. … We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.’” (October 2009, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home”)

Saying the words is vitally important, then acting in a way that shows you mean it is the clincher. This insightful comment from a reader sheds more light on the subject: “As parents of soon-to-be husbands and wives, we should be doing a better job of preparing our children for marriage, and the intimacies that go with it. Along with that knowledge, and great love for each other, comes the principle by which marriage is based. Sacrifice. The alter we kneel at, isn’t just a place to hold hands… we lay our ALL there, willing to give all for this eternal union. If we aren’t willing to do that.. we shouldn’t be there, until we are.”

6. Know what it means to be married

There are many couples coming for counseling now who are the second, third, and fourth generation of families torn apart by divorce. They say they have no example of what makes a marriage successful. It is a living fulfillment of the scripture, “Visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children unto the third and fourth generation.” (Exodus 34:7) In effect, they have been shown that marriage is a throw-away commodity.  And they are searching for what constitutes a lasting, happy marriage. If you fit in this category, stop the trend.  Show your children that marriage can be lasting and happy.

In order to get a personal definition of marriage it is suggested that each spouse ask themselves “What do I want out of a marriage?” It’s important that they look at it as “a” marriage, not “their” marriage. That way they can be more objective in defining what marriage is.  When each has written their list, then they share it with each other.  It’s interesting to see how many of these lists are almost identical. They then combine their lists to make a definition of what they want out of “their” marriage.

As they rediscover the meaning of marriage it’s fun to see the look in their eyes. It’s an “Ah ha” moment for many couples. They now look at each other with a sparkle in their eyes. They now have a vision, a path to follow. Keeping that sparkle alive is a choice well worth the effort.

A wise counselor, Gloria Hirsch, taught that “an effective marriage relationship has three main characteristics. (1) My mate’s welfare and well being means as much to me as mine, not more and not less. (2) I can believe in the good intentions of my mate. (3) I can delay personal gratification or needs at least 50% of the time or more for the greater good of my spouse.

These three characteristics are summarized by three words: Equality, trust, and sacrifice.” (Gloria Hirsch, director of Friends of the Family Counseling Center, Van Nuys, CA)

Regarding marriage, on the Church website we read: “Marriage is a covenant, or sacred promise, that a man and a woman make to each other and to God. Husbands and wives who keep their promises build lasting relationships with each other and receive strength to deal with the challenges they face. . . . Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on sound principles, like those that Jesus Christ taught. These principles include faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. A home established on gospel principles is a place of refuge and safety, where the Spirit of the Lord can abide, blessing family members with peace, joy, and happiness.”

A registered nurse who wrote us, adds this wise comment: “So many times young people getting married think that being married in the temple is the ‘end’; however, my husband always said that being married in the temple is the ‘beginning’ of an Eternal Courtship.”

7. Find joy in your marriage

Now, please, just go and have some fun together.  Go on regular dates, see a movie, a ball game, go out to dinner, or just go have some ice cream. Do things together without the kids. It’s a time to hold hands, put an arm around each other as you walk. Talk, laugh, and see the beauty of life around you.  Have some fun!

Discover the joy in sharing spiritual moments together. There is no greater joy than having a spiritual experience with your spouse. It is the essence of genuine happiness.  In order for this to happen you must put yourselves in situations where it can happen.

We had such a moment this very morning as we were listening to Mormon chapter six. (We downloaded the audio version of the scriptures from LDS.org and listen to the Book of Mormon each morning as we eat breakfast together.)  We were listening to the heart rending cry of that great prophet Mormon, as he looked over the slain of an entire Nephite nation, many of whom had to be his relatives and dear friends. We could almost see him as he cried, “O ye fair ones, how could ye have departed from the ways of the Lord! O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!”  We were touched in our hearts by his cry, his longing. We felt glad that he still had his faithful son Moroni.  We talked about how we pray daily, even many times a day, that we and our children will hold fast to the teachings of Christ, that we will be an eternal family. What a joy it is to be united in this desire.  Studying the scriptures together can be a great source of joy as you share feelings of the Spirit.

Have you sat in a sacrament meeting, or been watching General Conference together and felt a feeling of joy over certain message of the gospel?  We suggest you sit side by side, if you still have young children let them sit on either side of you.  Hold hands at least some of the time, squeeze each other’s hand when a feeling of love or understanding fills you.  Share those moments, talk about them later.  Pray together, pouring out your hearts together that your marriage will be blessed, that your children will be watched over, that you all will hear and follow the promptings of the Spirit.

One of our greatest joys happened each time we took our five adopted children to the temple and were sealed to them eternally. Words cannot express that joy. The temple is a place of joy. Go there as often as you can. It will bless your marriage.

Married life, though it is filled with challenges and trials (hey, it’s why we came to this earth, to be tested, remember?) Still, through it all we are to find joy.  “Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25) That is the ultimate goal of marriage.  That is God’s plan for our happiness.  We can make it happen in our own homes.

There is much happiness in marriage as is evident in these two comments from readers of our last article. A wife wrote, “My husband is not only a wonderful provider, but he is an incredible person that has a huge heart! He tries so hard to do what he thinks will make me and our family happy and he exceeds our expectations regularly.”

A husband wrote, “Live for your spouse100% and you will find joy. My wife is the greatest gift in my life and shall always be!”

President Howard W. Hunter said, “Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person. The conscious effort to do one’s part fully is the greatest element contributing to success.” (From President Monson’s talk “Priesthood Power”)

Closing thought

Now, finally, a little story that illustrates the result of a happy marriage. Years ago there was a TV show “Kids Say the Darndest Things” hosted by Art Linkletter. On one episode he asked a young child where he lived. The boy said, “We just moved here and are living in a motel.”  Art Linkletter said, “Oh, you don’t have a home yet.”  The boy said, “Oh, Mr. Linkletter, we have a home, we just don’t have a house to put it in.”

Being together as husband, wife and children, if you have been fortunate to be blessed with some, or if it’s just the two of you, that’s what constitutes a home, wherever you may be.  In other words, you, the husband and wife, are the heart that makes a home. Making that home a loving place to be is what constitutes a happy marriage and a happy family.

Please read this article when you have the chance.  Money challenges can STRENGTHEN a marriage believe it or not.

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A new survey by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia has found that the recession has both stressed and strengthened marriages. The study, released Monday for the beginning of National Marriage Week, relied on data from nearly 1,200 married Americans from ages 18 to 45.

The study’s two most positive findings are that “many couples report that the recession has deepened their commitment to marriage,” and that “among those who were considering a divorce prior to the recession, a large minority of couples say the recession cause them to postpone or put aside divorce,” according to W. Bradford Wilcox, author of the report, director of the National Marriage Project and a sociology professor in U.Va.’s College of Arts & Sciences.

The study, which relies on data from the National Marriage Project’s Survey of Marital Generosity, is the first to look at the impacts of the “Great Recession” on marriage in the United States, according to Wilcox, who recently spoke at BYU about the importance of cohesive, biological families.

Among those surveyed, 29 percent responded that the recession had brought financial stress to their marriage. (Twenty-four percent were ambivalent and 47 percent disagreed.) Among those who indicated greater financial stress, only 26 percent claimed to have a happy marriage.

Yet 29 percent of total respondents agreed that the recession had deepened their commitment to marriage, while 58 percent neither disagreed nor agreed and 13 percent disagreed.

Regarding divorce, five percent of respondents said they were considering it before the recession, yet 38 percent of that group said the recession changed their minds.

“Though the survey cannot estimate the number of marriages that dissolved as a result of the recession, it appears that some, at least, have been saved for now,” according to the study. “Moreover, the results of this survey are consistent with data from the 2010 State of Our Unions report, which indicated that divorce rates have fallen since the Great Recession began.”

The Great Recession has also hit unequally, falling hardest on those with less education, the study points out. The survey found that 57 percent of college-educated respondents reported zero financial stressors, while only 42 percent of those without college degrees could report the same stability.

Religion may be another way to stave off some stress, with researchers finding that of couples who attended religious services several times a month with their spouse, only 25 percent reported recession-caused marital stress, compared to 31 percent of their non-church attending counterparts.

What is love? The scriptures state the Lord’s greatest commandment is to love Him and love each other.

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

We love our families, right? Consider the love you felt on your wedding day or the first time you held your newborn child. Mindy loves chocolate. Eric loves apple pie. Maybe you love Ferraris or scrapbooking or hunting. Hmm, we use the same word to describe many different emotions. So what is love? What is God’s love?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”
(1 Corinthians 13:4, Holy Bible, English Standard Version).

“How clearly the Savior spoke when He said that every other commandment hangs upon the principle of love (see Matthew 22:40). If we do not neglect the great laws—if we truly learn to love our Heavenly Father and our fellowman with all our heart, soul, and mind—all else will fall into place” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov. 2009).

How do we receive this and share it with others? Unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.

Kinds of love: If, Because, Even Though

I love you if…if you are nice to me; if you do what I say; if you are popular; if you can get me what I want.

I love you because…because you are pretty, smart, talented, rich, obedient, successful.

Both of the above are selfish and conditional; therefore, they are not truly love. Consider the third alternative: I love you even though. I love you even though you are imperfect. I love you even though you have weaknesses. I love you even though you make mistakes. This is how God loves us and how we can learn to love others.

Additionally, true love must be loving to everyone involved. We are not suggesting that if someone is beating you that you say, “I love you even though you abuse me.” Continuing to accept the abuse would not be loving to yourself or to the person committing the abuse as their sin hurts their own soul as well as yours. In that case standing up for yourself, removing yourself from the situation or otherwise stopping the abuse to continue would be loving for both of you. Let us explain further. In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the idea of win/win, win/lose, and lose/lose in how we approach our relationships. Win/lose means that we can enter any relationship or situation with the objective of getting what we want no matter what the outcome will probably be. We win at the expense of the other person’s feelings or needs. Lose/lose would amount to neither party getting what they want. Win/win means finding an outcome that is beneficial and acceptable to both parties. We suggest that win/win is the only loving choice. It has to be loving to all parties to qualify as true love, otherwise it is something else. If it is loving to you but not to the other person, then if you look deeper, you may well find you are somehow hurt also. Again, unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.

“If you think well of others, you will also speak well of others and to others. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If your heart is full of love, you will speak of love” (Mother Teresa).

So what are some concrete ways to increase unconditional love in our lives?

Quality vs. Quantity

Much has been said about the idea of quality vs. quantity. We’d like to offer you a slightly different view on the subject. Basically we wonder how you can have one without the other; they are two sides of the same coin. Quantity does not necessarily produce quality, and it’s challenging to create quality if you never spend time together. Let us illustrate. Have you ever spent three hours watching TV on the couch next to someone? That’s quantity right? Consider whether your relationship was enhanced. Did any bonding occur? There are many ways to interact and many purposes of interaction such as fun, instruction, work, etc. We believe whatever the interaction the primary goal should be an increase of love between those involved — increased bonding, depth, respect, appreciation, and/or trust for each other. So did sitting on the couch next to each other increase love?

Please consider an alternate scenario. It’s late, past dinnertime and a discouraged husband is returning home after a less-than-successful day at the office. Deadlines weren’t met, his boss was frustrated, and all he wants to do is relax and forget about the day before he has to face it again tomorrow. He opens the door to his house to find a his wife pacing the floors with a very fussy baby. Still in her pajamas, even though it is evening, it is obvious her day has been dedicated to caring for a sick child. Dishes and laundry undone, exhausted with worry, she cannot wait for her husband to take a turn comforting the child so that she can sit down for just a moment. Both are overwhelmed; both need and deserve a break. In a split second the next few hours are decided. Will they think of their own needs or recognize the needs of the other? Consciously choosing love, they see the needs of the other. The husband drops his briefcase and phone and takes the fussing baby in one arm and his wife in the other. In the comfort of each other’s arms, they both sigh relief and let their souls fill up with the knowledge they are not in this life alone.
Were all their troubles solved? No, but more troubles were not added in selfishness and fighting. Their spirits were also lifted and comforted in each other’s love and support, giving them the strength to go on. Quality in a split-second decision. Deep affirmation of their love and support of each other and perspective that this bad day will pass. Personally we believe this type of quality can happen when quantity is consistently used to develop the relationship.

There are several ideas that can affect the quality of love in our lives.

C. S. Lewis said,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

First of all, is your heart open to love? Honestly look deep inside yourself. What condition is your heart in? As you’ll read in the chapter on stories, Mindy had several stories that the Lord was merciful enough to teach her were inhibiting her ability to receive love. She writes, “I deeply loved my family, but as I looked honestly into my own heart, I realized it was bruised and battered and that I held it somewhat guarded against any future harm. As I prayerfully chose to release those past hurts through Christ’s Atonement, I was also able to choose to open my heart and fully receive the love around me, beginning with my husband and children. I am a visual person, and it’s as if I was holding my heart locked away in a fortress with a heavily guarded gate. As I choose to open the gate, I saw my family and friends all around ready to give me so much love.”
Do you see the love all around you? Are you open to receiving it? If you’re wondering what on earth we’re talking about right now, your heart is probably pretty open. On the other hand, if your chest feels somewhat constricted at this idea or your breathing has suddenly become more shallow, we suggest you take a look at why. Real love is about both giving and receiving. If you are only giving love, it is incomplete. It can actually become stifling and drag you down.

Once you are ready to receive love, the knowledge that we all give and receive love in different ways is extremely valuable. We’ll explain more in challenge #3.

Challenges

1.Make a list of 25 things you love or admire about your spouse. You can keep it to yourself, or if you feel so inclined, share it with him or her. Sharing is preferable.

2.Without your spouse’s knowledge, commit to say and do only loving things to him or her for 2 weeks. Take it a step further by committing to follow this in and out of his or her presence, i.e., don’t complain to the guys or girlfriends about your spouse. And even further, control your thoughts by replacing each unkind thought with 3 things you are grateful for about your spouse. It is highly beneficial to write about these experiences. Warning: If this is really a stretch for you, you probably really need it. Also you may get some suspicion or resistance from your spouse, but keep on in your commitment.

3.One way to use quantity time in the most impactful way is to learn how your spouse receives love and then give it to him or her daily. What is most meaningful to your spouse? Time together? Love notes? Helping with the dishes? For example, Mindy can give Eric gifts, even really thoughtful ones, but they don’t really make him feel loved. They don’t have much meaning for him. However, if she take a few minutes and rub his shoulders or feet, he feels extremely validated. For Mindy, Eric can do everything else right but if he neglects to arrange quality time for them to be alone to talk on a fairly regular basis, she begins to feel unappreciated.
What makes you feel special? What makes your spouse feel validated? Consider this and share with each other; then commit to fulfilling one thing for your spouse each day. Dr. Gary Chapman explains these ideas in great detail in his book The Five Love Languages.

You may have heard the adage “Happy Wife, Happy Life” or another is “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” We may chuckle at these, but what brings the chuckle is the truth behind them. As wives and mothers we have the tremendous opportunity to bless or curse, as it may be, the lives of those closest to us. Like it or not the wife really does set the tone in the home.

Consider the following passage from Toilers of the Sea by Victor Hugo:

“Her presence lights the home; her approach is like a cheerful warmth; she passes by, and we are content; she stays awhile and we are happy. Is it not a thing of divine, to have a smile which, none know how, has the power to lighten the weight of that enormous chain that all the living in common drag behind them? Deruchette possessed this smile; we may say that this smile was Deruchette herself.”

How would your family describe you?

In fact, what is it like to be married to you? Is it blissful and safe, or are there certain conditions that are demanded before your kindness and acknowledgment are bestowed? Does you husband feel cherished and admired, or does he feel like no matter how hard he tries, it’s never quite enough for you? Or do you swing uncertainly between the two extremes? If so, what does that feel like to your husband? What does it feel like to you? Think about this for a moment before moving on.

“A wife can determine the mood of a home. A happy wife can make a real difference. A woman can create happiness, or unhappiness, for those within her sphere of influence. There is nothing more appreciated than kindness and gentleness and nothing more contagious than a happy spirit. What better gift can we give our partner than a joyful and loving relationship where praise is given instead of criticism, and encouragement instead of disparagement?”
(Reese; “Being a Wife”, Ensign, Sept. 1984)

Many messages in the world demean being a wife and mother. They paint these roles as subservient and degrading. They claim that happiness lies in self-gratification and career and monetary pursuits. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Thomas S. Monson states that:
“To find real happiness, we must seek for it in a focus outside ourselves. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellow man. Service to others is akin to duty—the fulfillment of which brings true joy” (“The Lord’s Way,” Ensign, May 1990).
We have an opportunity to lift and encourage our husbands because there is none other in their lives who knows them so well and who could more successfully cheer them on.

“Women, you are of great strength and support to the men in your lives, and they sometimes need your help most when they are least deserving. A man can have no greater incentive, no greater hope, no greater strength than to know … his wife has confidence in him and loves him” (Tanner, “No Greater Honor: The Woman’s Role,” Ensign, Jan. 1974).

What a tremendous opportunity and gift we have as wives. Ours is the chance to gently encourage, to enthusiastically cheer, to gratefully admire, to create the entire atmosphere in our homes! What are you doing with that opportunity?

Likewise, men have a tremendous opportunity in their marriages. David O. McKay said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
What does it mean “to cleave”?

“It means to stay close to her, to be loyal and faithful to her, to communicate with her, and to express your love for her…Love means being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life” (Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987).

Our modern society does not teach it, but God laid forth specific roles for men and women. It is not an equality or capability issue but rather according to our strengths, gifts and talents inherent to our God-given gender. Also, our society puts so much importance on men providing, and this is a tremendous responsibility; however, women and children also desire men’s attention and time. There have been times when Eric was burdened and overwhelmed with work and providing and felt he had little else to give and, frankly, shouldn’t that be enough? However, as he changed his focus to viewing time with us as a refresher, rather than another demand on him, home became a time to refuel before heading back out to “slay more dragons” for us the next day. He began to give 100% focus and attention at work and then leave it there to give 100% focus at home. Both blossomed.

“First and foremost, nothing except God Himself takes priority over your wife in your life—not work, not recreation, not hobbies. Your wife is your precious, eternal helpmate—your companion. Husbands, recognize your wife’s intelligence and her ability to counsel with you as a real partner regarding family plans, family activities, and family budgeting. Don’t be stingy with your time or with your means” (Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,” Ensign, Nov. 1987).

Just as with wives, a husband has the opportunity to lift, encourage and give great joy and pleasure to his wife or to demean, crush and break her heart. As we asked the wives, we ask you. How would your family describe you? What is it like to be married to you? Is it peaceful and secure or are there certain conditions that are demanded before your kindness and acknowledgment are bestowed? Does your wife feel cherished and admired, or does she feel like no matter how hard she tries, it’s never quite enough for you? Or do you swing uncertainly between the two extremes or not give any acknowledgement at all? If so, what does that feel like to your wife? What does it feel like to you? Think about this for a moment before moving on.

“Harmony in marriage comes only when one esteems the welfare of his or her spouse among the highest of priorities” (Nelson, “Celestial Marriage,” Ensign, Nov. 2008).

So how do we do this? Much of it is perspective and attitude. Back to getting what you focus on, if all you think about is your spouse’s faults, then that is all you’ll see. This is where the lessons on gratitude, affirmations and love come in. Also, getting over your stories about yourself and your spouse clears the way. Of course, being accountable is the icing on the cake. Also, we have two more tools for you: “What men and women want” and “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”

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What men and women want:

As men and women we are different, yet sometimes we forget it and think our spouse must want the same things as us. The following is from a study that compares the five most important things to men in their marriage vs. the five things women voted most important. It is from Lucille F. Johnson, BYU Education Week speech, 2002. Please review this together and share what you personally want the most from your spouse.

What do men want in marriage?

1.Physical Intimacy
-Helps a man feel close to his spouse

2.A wife to do things with him
-Share interests

3.Praise, admiration and encouragement

4.An attractive wife
-One who is well-groomed and happy, not necessarily a supermodel

5.Domestic support
-Some order in the home and some evidence of food at mealtimes

What do women want in marriage?

1. Affection
-Defined as sometimes cuddling that is only cuddling, not foreplay

2. A husband who will talk to her
-Sharing thoughts and feelings makes her feel close to him
- A woman thinks a relationship is good when she can talk about it. A man thinks a relationship is good if he and his wife never have to talk about it.

3. Fidelity and trust

4. Financial support

5. Spiritual leadership

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Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

Seriously, which do you want? Why would we ask? Most disagreements and arguments boil down to wanting to be right. You have your side, your spouse has his or her side and both want to be right! Some couples will argue to the death to be right— well, the death of the marriage anyways. Let’s make another list.

How does it feel to be right?

Strong, powerful, smart, in charge, self-righteous, correct, compelling, significant, important, valued, respected, big, competent, useful…
Okay, but how does it feel to be wrong?
Weak, stupid, bad, insignificant, powerless, stepped on, disrespected, small, unworthy, inadequate, useless…

Every time you have to be right, someone else has to be wrong. They have to lose. It’s a war and there are casualties. Covey would call it win/lose; however, we’ve already covered how unloving that is. In love, win/win is all that counts. When one of you has to be right, your marriage loses. This, by the way, applies to every relationship we are in. So, literally, do you want to be right or do you want to be married?

Brett Harward, speaker, author, personal and business success coach, suggests, “Often, being right is more important to people than achieving their vision…. Average people focus on being right, successful people focus on getting it right [which means they are] willing to be wrong”
(Harward; 2008; The 5 Laws That Determine All of Life’s Outcomes, p.59-61).

So, how do we resolve conflict? Like Mr. Harward says, our goal is to “get it right” over being right. In this case that would mean get the marriage right, which is far more important than whatever the current issue is.

Rather than right/wrong, why not consider “Is this working for you?” For example, imagine you and your spouse agreed the husband would pick up the kids from their lessons on the way home from work, yet he is usually late, which leaves the kids alone at their lessons after dark. Right vs. wrong may proceed as “You promised you’d pick them up, and you are always late!” Getting it (the marriage) right could look like “I appreciate your willingness to pick up the kids. However, it doesn’t seem to be working. Can we find another solution?”

In the first scenario, being right is the goal. In the other, a happy marriage and a positive solution are the goals. Right or married? You choose.

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Challenges

These two challenges can be the most powerful and have the greatest effect on your marriage. Please plan sufficient undisturbed time to fully experience them.

1.Sit in a quiet, undisturbed place. Think through a day with you from your spouse’s eyes. See it, feel it, consider how it feels. What is your first interaction upon waking up? How does your spouse see your face, your first acknowledgement of the day towards him/her? Think through conversations, interactions, touch, phone calls, texts, eye contact, affection (both sexual and non sexual); not from your perspective but from his or hers. What does he or she hear, feel, see from you throughout the day? Remember the golden rule: treat others as you want to be treated? How do you treat your spouse?

This exercise can be tremendously heart changing, revealing and healing IF you let it be. To achieve that result, you’ll have to put down your defenses, ignore your reasons and justifications for why you may not be fully loving and open, basically leave yourself and your emotions out of it and simply take some time to see and feel what it’s like to be married to you from your spouse’s eyes. It could be extremely helpful to begin this exercise with a humble prayer and clarity about really wanting to fully experience the gift this challenge has to give you.

Go ahead with the challenge.

Now…what did you experience? Journal your thoughts and feelings. Again, this is not about your spouse or his or her offenses that you very well may be reacting to through your words and behavior throughout the day. This is simply about how it may look from his or her side. Reality dictates that we cannot change another; we can only change ourselves. What if you choose different behaviors, kinder words, took the chance of reacting out of love? What if you choose different reactions when he or she does the thing that hurts most? What if you choose not to fight or guilt or punish? Once you are done journaling, move on to the second challenge.

2. This one may seem a little morbid at first, but please consider the gift and change in perspective this challenge can give you if you fully participate. Once you’ve read the instructions, close your eyes in a quiet place and let the thoughts and feelings flow.

Imagine you and your spouse are on your way home late one night after a date. Rather than being a relaxing, unifying time together, it once again turned into an argument. Your spouse is driving through the stormy night while you hug the door on your side of the car in an effort to be as far away from him or her as the car will allow. Both of you are silent, your demeanor stoic. Thoughts of all his or her offenses race through your head, mixed with questions of What is the point? How can this marriage ever survive? You’ve tried everything, and yet here you are again. Suddenly you are jerked out of your thoughts as you feel the tires begin to spin. The brakes are slammed, but the result is a tailspin. Everything seems to be in slow motion! Lights racing by; tires squealing; you hear a scream. It is your own. Then impact with a huge oak tree! Everything stops. The only sensation is the pain in your arm and the blaring of the car horn. You look over and see your spouse slumped over the wheel with blood gushing from his head. You call his name; there is no response. You feel the fear, panic, helplessness. You reach for him and shake his shoulder, still nothing. You can feel a pulse, but it is faint. You search frantically for your cell phone. Where are you? Is anyone around to help? You call his name! (Call it out! Say it, feel it! What would you do?) “Help!!! Someone help me! Wake up! You have to be okay! Answer me!” You hear a groan. The blood is flowing more quickly now; his pulse is even weaker. You hear an ambulance siren in the distance. “Hold on, they’re almost here!” you command. “Don’t leave me! I need you! Don’t leave me!” you beg. You hold him as best you can. You beg and plead. Suddenly you cannot actually imagine life without him. You hear a gurgled gasp for air. Then nothing. He’s gone.
Time passes. The paramedics have to pry you away from him. It’s all a blur. Finally you end up at home, just the way you left it only a few hours before. In a daze you slowly walk from room to room. (You could actually do this.)

What do you see? What do you feel? What do you miss? What do you wish you could say? Take as long as you need.

Don’t read any further until you’ve completed and fully experienced this challenge.

Now answer the following questions in your journal:
What is your primary emotion at having lost your spouse?
What do you miss most about him or her? (If helpful, you could list 10 things.)
What do you wish you could have said?
If you had one more chance what would you tell him or her?
If you had one more day how would you treat him or her differently?

Studies show that financial strain is the number-one cause of divorce, and with the state of the economy it may be more intense than many of us have ever seen it. When we are worried about money, there is little emotion or energy left for anything else. Many arguments in marriage are over money. There is hope. For years we read books on money and tried several budgeting systems with improvement but never the full success we aimed for until we found Janine Bolon’s principles regarding money, and everything began to change. Within a short time we were debt free, and had a nice savings account and a well-stocked food storage.

There are several universally found principles regarding creating wealth and financial stability:

* 1st – Tithe: plain and simple, it’s an act of gratitude that shows Heavenly Father you acknowledge the blessing your life is. If you are religious, this one is easy; your church will accept donations. If not, find an organization you believe in and donate to it. When studying the truly wealthy you will find pretty clearly across the board that they tithe and always have.
* 2nd – Save: If you don’t save, you will never get ahead. It’s true. Often people say they have so much debt that they choose to put any extra money to paying off debt to alleviate that strain as fast as possible. What do most find? That a year later they are even further in debt. Why? Picture debt like a giant cycle. You have a credit card and you want to go out to dinner, buy new clothes, buy groceries, go on vacation, so you charge it on the credit card. Your balance goes up. So you make a payment, maybe even one beyond the minimum balance and the balance goes down. It’s like a yo-yo. Even if you vow to stop using the card and pay it off, you cannot break the cycle until you save. Why? Life happens. Say, unexpectedly, you get sick and have a hospital bill or the car breaks down. Yep, you have no choice but to charge it and the debt cycle continues. But what if you set aside some money in a savings account each month? Right there you break the debt cycle and are on your way to financial security! Really! Because now you can pay that unexpected expense with money from your savings account. You did not create a new debt, your debt continues to decrease and you are on your way to independence!

So what if money is so tight your credit cards are keeping you afloat and you don’t even have $1 to save? Read on to the 3rd principle.

* 3rd – Learn to Live Frugally and Enjoy It: There is a key to success with this one, enjoying it. For years we tried to live on bare bones and inevitably we’d feel deprived and blow all our progress on a meal out or the like. A great resource is Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin for their ability to illustrate the distortions we can all have regarding money. (Keep in mind their investment advice is outdated to the current market, so seek a professional for that.) They have an amazing strategy for learning how to look at each expense and how fulfilling it is; this tool singlehandedly reversed our deprived spending habits and got us on the path to being debt free.

The next most financially influential tool we found was The Grocery Store Game as taught in Bolon’s book Money…It’s not just for Rich People (see the resources chapter). This simple way to shop dramatically cut our grocery bill while filling up our pantry and within a few months created a six month supply of food storage! There are so many grocery shopping/coupon programs out there and we’ve tried several. We found the Grocery Store Game to be by far the most simple and to have the biggest impact on our saving money.

We already tithed, so we used the money we saved on groceries to begin saving and paying off debt. Within a short time we saw our finances reborn, and in a few short years we were free of all consumer debt. You can do it too! Trust us — the freedom from stress and worry over money is worth any sacrifice. You may have heard financial guru Dave Ramsey say, “You live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.” He means you live more frugally than anyone you know for a while so you can live wealthier than anyone else for the rest of your life. (His advice on becoming debt free is also very helpful.)

Whether your finances are such a mess you don’t know how to pay your next mortgage payment or tomorrow’s food or you just need more money in savings for peace of mind, two things are true: money problems are negatively affecting your relationships and it is possible to get ahead, even in this economy! Of course it takes accountability and action. But that is why you are reading this, right?

Yet financial principles are only one side of the coin.

The Key to Financial Success

We thoroughly believe in the above principles, that they are unalterable laws that govern all mankind. We have applied them in our lives and reaped the blessings and healing they provide and have seen many friends do the same. In addition, we’ve found that we had some deeply rooted beliefs and emotions in regard to money that had an incredibly negative impact on our ability to succeed. So in addition to the above behaviors, we encourage you to examine your “stories” about money. If you have read chapter 3, you will know we use the word “story” to describe a belief that we have that is so strong it dictates our thoughts and actions without our even being aware.

What are your stories about money? First of all, consider how your mind and body react to that question. Are you impartial, no physical or emotional response? Did you possibly cringe and sigh, thinking about the next bill due? Did you feel sick, the idea of money being such an overwhelming stress? Your initial reaction to the mention of money can be telling of what your deeper beliefs might be. I once heard a woman proclaim, “Oh, I never want to be rich. I would hate for my children to be greedy and have everything handed to them!” She said this with such passion! And her life mirrors that story about money. Hmm, we would like to point out that we know families who struggle financially and yet their kids are demanding and greedy. We also know families who are well off whose children are full of gratitude and have strong work ethics. We submit that money is not the factor in fostering gratitude or greed in children but rather parental training.
You may argue that education is the factor in financial success. What about the many “blue collar” workers who live very comfortably vs. some highly “upper class” individuals who often live on the brink of losing it all? The media is full of examples of both people with nothing, making it rich and the wealthy losing it all.

Keep in mind that our stories/beliefs in the sense we are discussing are not easily identified. Let me share an example. As mentioned above we have had a good level of success for several years with finances. We applied the above principles and became debt free and had money in the bank. We were so grateful! Of course we had bigger plans. We wanted a nicer home, and Eric has always dreamed of working for himself. Our financial state allowed him to pursue different job opportunities and training, but we still never seemed to get as far ahead as we dreamed. Over time our savings began to dwindle, and promotions seemed to dry up. We were confused — we were “doing everything right,” right? We were living the financial principles. Yes, but our hearts were not right in relation to money.

My (Mindy’s) “story” was that I hated money. Really. How could I retain something I hated? As we discovered the idea of stories, we began to look for stories in each area of our life as these stories keep us from what we really want without our necessarily being aware of it. One day I was really down and called my sister. She too had been through a seminar that taught us how to look for and replace these stories. So I called my sister, distressed about how we just couldn’t seem to completely break through these financial struggles. I acknowledged all our progress but was frustrated that for some time we hadn’t seemed to progress any further and even seemed to be slipping backwards: our savings account emptied as expenses increased while our income stayed the same. We still put money in savings each month, but additional expenses were currently outweighing what was going in.

My sister asked me, “How do you feel about money?” I answered that it’s a tool, it can make life easier and I want more of it. She suggested that if that’s how I truly felt I would not be having the money stress I was experiencing. She encouraged me to dig deeper. She asked several questions like, “Who do you know with a lot of money?” “Are they happy?” “Why do you want money?” “Are those righteous desires?” (What does your religion teach about money? Many people have misconceptions about wealth in relation to scriptures like “the love of money is the root of all evil.” (1 Tim. 6: 10) Does this strike a chord in you? If so, we suggest you study money, wealth and abundance, in addition with what to do with it, thoroughly in your religious text.)

At first look I could not identify any stories I had about money. But digging deeper I realized I had some pretty strong feelings which stemmed back to my perception as a child that my love could be bought. Like many people, I grew up hearing things like, “When you do such and such I will buy you such and such.” I felt money was sometimes used to bribe or coerce me, and I resented that. During my seminar I thought I had reconciled these feelings by putting them into proper perspective and letting the responsibility lie with those who used money this way. I had also identified that I attached money to my self-worth, telling myself that if I was worthy enough I would have the wealth that I wanted. I’d reconciled that too and knew that money was not necessarily good or bad; it was neutral. People can use it for evil like theft, manipulation, love of money more than God, etc., or for good as with micro credit, tithing, providing for their families, etc. But the money itself is simply a tool. Like a hammer, it’s a tool; it can be used to injure someone or to build a shelter, but the hammer itself is neutral. I thought I had reconciled all my “stories” about money; how wrong I was.
For several days I searched inside myself for my stories about money and couldn’t really seem to find many, or so I thought. I kept considering it, even approaching this in prayer. Finally one night after speaking to my sister again, it hit me with full force! I had a sudden epiphany! I hated money! I realized that deep down, when I was really honest with myself, money had often been a source of pain in my life and I hated it! Passionately! Even though I grew up in a financially successful home, I perceived money as being used for coercion. Also, I did not learn how to manage it properly. As a young adult I began to learn the hard way, but even then I still didn’t learn enough. So I brought my bad habits with me into marriage as we initially lived beyond our means with big dreams and few financial principles besides tithing, which I believe kept us afloat and opened the door for learning more principles. Even when we became debt free and had large amounts of money in the bank, I still hated money because I didn’t understand the idea of stories and how they affect us.
Eric’s story was that he had to save every penny like a miser and create the absolute perfect financial future because it would be his only chance. This left my desires and needs unmet, which fed my story about if I was worthy enough…and the results deeply hurt our relationship. Applying the principles had gotten us out of debt, taught us how to spend wisely, and kept us afloat, but our deep fears and stories kept us from breaking through to true financial freedom and the strong, peaceful, loving, unified marriage we wanted. It took some deep soul-searching and honesty, but as we rooted out those beliefs, we cleared the path for true financial and relationship abundance.

Stories develop over the years, in part from the experiences we’ve had in life and even more from the way we perceived those experiences. Once we realize that and identify our stories, we can then chose to view things in a different way.

Where are you financially? Do you need principles? What are your stories? Only complete honesty with yourself in both these areas will bring true financial success. As your finances become less stressful and more secure, you will have more emotional and mental energy to give to your marriage and other relationships.

Abundance vs. scarcity:

To gain clarity about how you truly feel about money, please consider the following. How do you see the world: is there enough money, love, goodness for everyone, or is there only so much to go around and if you’re not on top, you won’t get any? This simple paradigm can affect all your results in life: abundance mentality vs. scarcity mentality. Do you see the world abundantly (there are more than enough great things), or with scarcity (there’s a limited supply). How you see wealth, along with everything else, begins in your mind and heart and is manifest by your stories and beliefs. How do we know what our stories and beliefs are? We look at our results in life.

For example Oliver DeMille, founder of George Wythe University (www.gw.edu) shared the following story. When the school was just getting its start, Dr. DeMille was doing a lot of fundraising as he looked for donors to support his cause of building a liberal arts college modeled on the principles of learning and education practiced by our Founding Fathers. On one fundraising trip he had the chance to meet and stay with three families of possible benefactors. The first lived on a large piece of land in Southern California that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. The house was enormous, complete with a pool, guest house and a garage that held some of the most expensive cars made. You can imagine what this must have cost. Clearly this homeowner had a lot of money. When he was approached about donating to the college, he looked bewildered. His reply was, “Do you have any idea what it takes to maintain this lifestyle? I get up at 4:00 a.m. every morning and go to work until midnight, except on Saturdays, when I let myself sleep in until 6:00 a.m. It takes me every waking moment to make enough money to pay for this. Do you any idea how devastated my wife and kids would be if I didn’t sustain this lifestyle? I’m sorry. I believe in what you are doing, but I cannot spare a dime.”

The second benefactor Dr. DeMille met with actually lived in an even bigger and more costly home in a very elite gated community. When asked to support the school, his reply was, “I’m sorry I can’t help you out. I have competitors biting at my heels, and if I give you money, they might get ahead of me. I can’t help you.”

Not to be dissuaded, Dr. DeMille went on to his third appointment. This couple lived with their four young children in a nice but modest townhome in a major California city. Both parents had been highly successful career people when the wife had become pregnant, and they decided she was going to stay home and raise their children. This was a huge cut to their income, so she began studying money and frugality to compensate. As Dr. DeMille walked into the home, he noticed the children’s toys about, bookcases covered with classic works, and a nice piece of art on the wall. He honestly was not sure how this family would be able to support the school but kept an open mind. As he sat with the couple and shared his vision, they listened respectfully. Then they responded, “Well, we really believe in your cause, but we do have several organizations we contribute to, so we have discussed it and feel we can give $75,000 to your school.” Yes, $75,000! They wrote him a check right then and there! Remember, this is a true story!
So what is our point? Now, the first two men were rich according to the world’s standards, possibly among the richest, but at what cost? Did they have time, peace of mind, good relationships with others? Did they view the world as a place of abundance or scarcity? While the family that donated probably didn’t look at all “rich”, yet their home was filled with love, learning and serving mankind, not to mention total financial freedom. Who really lived abundantly?
We do not define wealth as a certain amount of money or a huge home or nice cars. We define wealth as state of being. We believe that being truly wealthy means an abundance of gratitude, joy, love, good relationships, health, and, yes, money. We also believe we should use this abundance to serve mankind and glorify God.
We are discussing abundance vs. scarcity mentality in relationship to money; however, it applies to all areas of life. Is your mindset abundance or scarcity in love, service, health, time? How do you view life? What are your results? What do you want and what are you creating?

Challenges

1. Journal the thoughts and epiphanies you had as you read this chapter.

2. Discuss your thoughts with your spouse. Are you clear about money? What are your feelings about money? What are your goals? Make a plan together if you don’t already have one, or adjust your current plan as needed.

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There is a lot of info in the Marriage Principles section.  The rest is on each link.  Please give us feedback and let us know what you think.

Thanks,

Eric

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It’s The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.

Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 – Determine what you can do to make the relationship work…then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 – Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 – Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don’t take the bait.

STEP 4 – Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don’t respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the “Knower” and shift to being the “Learner.” Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like “that won’t work,” “I’m right, you are wrong,” “I know it and you don’t,” “I’ll teach you,” “that’s just the way it is,” “I need to tell you what I know,” etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like “Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation,” “I could be wrong,” “I wonder if there is anything of value here,” “I wonder if…” etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here’s the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.