We were touched by the sincerity of both husbands and wives in their desires to be loving, fulfilling spouses.  Others expressed deep hurts caused by their mates and felt helpless to know what to do.  They won’t divorce, in most cases, but are simply existing in the marriage, praying for help. We yearn to somehow help heal these unhappy marriages. Others wrote of the deep love and happiness they enjoy in their marriage. Many wished for a few more items to be discussed, so we will attempt to address the issues requested and add a few more of our own thoughts.

1. Remember what brought you together

Before we jump into deeper waters, we want couples to reaffirm their love for each other.  One thing that can help this happen is to remember your courting days and the early years of your marriage.  What is it that attracted you to your mate?  Let your mind wander back to those early days when you first fell in love.  Was it her cute smile, his deep blue eyes, her testimony, his desire to serve the Lord?  Seriously think about it. It’s fun and important to remember those days.

What caused you to ask her to marry you? Why did you say yes There had to be things about your mate that made your heart flutter, your cheeks flush, and you arms yearn to hold that wonderful person and make you want to spend the rest of your life with him or her.  Then remember your wedding day and the vows you took at that time, the promises you made to each other and to the Lord. Keep those memories bright and shiny.

Take the time tonight when you are together and talk about those early years. It will put a spark back into your marriage. Then tell your kids about how you met and where you were married. They’ll love hearing the story again and again.  Remembering can strengthen your commitment to each other, and it can bless your marriage and family.

2. Be the same person wherever you are.

Is the person people see at church the same person your family sees at home?  We received a letter from a husband who had served many years in a prominent stake position. He said, “On the surface most would think we are the ideal LDS family. Others see my wife as a kind, faithful servant that works hard and is helpful to others, but she is a different person at home. My wife prefers to focus on the negative things in our home and with our children, and seemingly has nothing positive to say to anyone in our home.  Our children recognize that their mother isn’t very happy and usually stay out of her way.  I love when we have visitors in our home because my wife usually keeps that kind, loving attitude up for them, making it so we get to see a pleasant wife and mother for a short time.”

This letter is about a wife but it could just as well be about a husband who has fallen into this pattern. It has everything to do with creating a happy marriage. Of course, everyone is on their best behavior when at church or other public places. Home has to be a place where we can relax and let our hair down; however, that doesn’t mean we become a different person than others see.  We owe it to our spouse and children to be on good behavior at home, too.  Being a happy face at church and a sad face at home makes for confused kids and an unhappy home and marriage.  Spouses and children need to see that best-foot-forward image at home more than anywhere else.

So what do you do when your spouse behaves like the one in the letter? We suggest you stop looking at all the negatives in your wife or husband and start focusing on the positives.  It may take a little practice, but it will pay big dividends.  Whenever your sweetheart does something good, tell her or him that you appreciate it. Notice it!  Keep a sharp eye out for every good thing your mate does and let her or him know you’re noticing those good things.  And compliment your spouse. It’s so nice to be acknowledged.

Say please and thank you to each other. These simple words that we learned in kindergarten and Primary do work.  One couple, as they got ready to go to their marriage therapy session, was approached by their eight-year-old daughter who asked them where they were going.  The mother replied, “We’re going to meet with someone who is teaching us how to be better parents.” The daughter asked, “What has he taught you?” Reaching for something to say, the mother replied, “He’s teaching us how to say please and thank you.”  To which the daughter said, “It’s about time somebody did.”

Couples need to get back to the basics. It will change your attitude toward each other immensely.  Time and time again it has become evident that the use of these simple courtesies has opened up the ability to handle the harder things in marriage.

If things don’t change, and sadness and negativity prevail, it may be a sign of clinical depression. A visit to your doctor may be helpful.  There is medical help for these types of mental illnesses. Or it may be that you need to visit a marriage counselor. Do what needs to be done to save your marriage and family.

Another suggestion came from one of our readers. He said,”Cut the criticism. Nothing kills a marriage faster than constant criticism. Practice EPR– Encouragement, Praise, and Recognition (appreciation). This is a secret sauce and I have a firm testimony of it. Both partners have to be committed to it. It is as easy to form a culture of EPR as it is criticism. It becomes a habit– but a very good one. This is not a pollyanna thing. It is real and it works for those committed to it.”

So we issue the call: Wake up, husbands and wives, and bring the light of the gospel home. Don’t leave it at church.  Let it shine and bless your marriage and the lives of your children every day.

3. Keep sexual intimacy alive and well

Even though we addressed this subject in the previous articles, because of the letters we received it needs to be reiterated and expanded. The following words from a reader spotlights the seriousness of this problem in many marriages. He wrote: “I tell my wife she looks nice, but she mostly ignores me. I tell her I love her but she hasn’t told me she loves me for many years.

We went on a vacation for a week several months ago and had a good time but there has been no kissing or intimacy since then.

It is very frustrating and challenges my optimism to deal with the constant rejection month after month, year after year.  I want to have a great marriage but my partner seems to have other aspirations. . . .

“Life would be nearly perfect if the girl I love and married in the temple would love me. As a faithful Latter-day Saint, the only person on earth that can make love to me won’t—that makes life so sad and disappointing.”

Since every case is different, we can’t possibly know all the reasons why some couples have intimacy problems.  However, there are a few commonalities that can be addressed, which we’ll do by quoting more comments from letters readers sent following our last article. We’ve selected just a few from the many.

Letter 1:“I don’t get how women have a hard time feeling guilty with sex after they’re married. I was never taught to never have sex; I was taught to wait until marriage. What is so confusing about that? And how do women NOT see how much better their relationship is after sex!!”

Letter 2: “[Regarding sexual intimacy] I think it is important for wives to not only be willing, but be the INSTIGATORS! Your husband doesn’t want to be the only one asking (or pleading in some cases) every single time. They need to know you’re attracted to them as well, and sometimes when the wife initiates the intimacy, it helps!”

Letter 3: “I so agree with the importance of a happy and lively sexual relationship in marriage, but in listening to the husband mentioned in the article complain, I wonder how much foreplay he is or isn’t engaging in. We women have a harder time going from off to on, but with the right ‘moves’ from our husbands, we comply with gusto!”

Letter 4: “In my marriage, my husband lacks the desire for intimacy and I’m the one that begs for the touch. I’m told that he doesn’t need it or think about it, and I have to go without. . . . We’ve been married almost 33 years and the majority of that time I’ve been starved for intimacy. My husband is a good man . . . . So, even though sex would definitely help our relationship and it is important, I can just accept the way he wants to show me love and choose to be happy. As Sister Hinckley said one time, ‘You can either laugh or cry your way through life. I choose to laugh, as crying gives me a headache.’ So, after 33 years I’m just going to laugh the rest of my life with my husband.”

Letter 5: And now for a final opposite point of view from a very frustrated over-sixty husband. “I have continued to treat my wife with respect, tenderness, kindness, helping her in anyway she needs but I never approach the intimate anymore because the verbal answer is the same as is the physical.  Just to suggest how the intimate would go – it is akin to ‘when you are through please let me know so I can turn out the light and go to sleep.’  It isn’t that she has not been available physically it is just that an emotional response during the intimacy has been limited and makes it virtually impossible to respond to the demands of the sexual arousal.  When the arousal is not forthcoming she automatically thinks it is because I am no longer physically able to perform.  Such is not the case.  Her response, ‘it’s ok – I understand’ and ‘I am fine with it’, is so demeaning that it just became impossible to go on.

“I can still recall the last time we were intimate, the words came to my mind ‘it just isn’t worth it any more,’ and I decided I had made the last attempt and the last intimate overture.  So for approx 2 years now – no physical intimacy – and she says nothing – assuming that ‘I have a problem’ and she is being a good wife by not bringing it up.  I still have needs and would love to pursue it but having pursued it for several times and receiving the same response each time, it is just too painful and emotionally draining that I cannot go there anymore.  One counselor indicated that I should go home and sweep her off her feet and give her a big kiss to break the ice.  I suggested that with the intimacy of the relationship basically dead, to do that would be like going home and kissing my sister.  Not that my sisters aren’t nice and wonderful mind you.

“So then – with all of the ‘availability of relationships’ out in the world today, it is very difficult not to pursue some outside interest.  However, lately I suggested to someone, that there are times when rather than look at the reasons why one should divorce, perhaps it is wise to look at reasons why to stay together.  e.g.  The family, the interaction with grandchildren, the pain that would be projected into the lives of the children, the peaceful home environment etc.  In other words there are more reasons to stay together than separate.  Hence, I stay and play the role of fulfilling her needs of food, and any other material needs she may have.  Even good conversation, which  again leads her to surmise that all is well in the nest.  So, as was indicated previously, ‘Thousands of men suffer in silence’ and indeed I am one of them.  Is there an itch to view inappropriate material? Absolutely, with the justification that it is better than going out and finding a real person with whom to fulfill some intimate exchange.  So far I haven’t a good answer.  I have spoken with many men and so many of them say, ‘It appears that later on in life we are just meant to suffer through it and hopefully make it and be rewarded for the sacrifice in marriage.’  This certainly was not what was anticipated when we made our vows over the altar of marriage.”

This letter brings up the important point that just because bodies and abilities change with age (and sometimes from illness or stress or an unresponsive spouse) does not mean you cannot have a sexually intimate relationship with your wife or husband. By being willing to explore new ways to bring pleasure to your mate you can enjoy a new dimension of love.  Later years can be sexually fulfilling if couples put their mind and heart into it.

At all stages of life, in order to enjoy sexual fulfillment, we need to follow the admonition of Paul: “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence; and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” (1 Cor. 7:3,4)

President Spencer W. Kimball clarified Paul’s statement when he said, “There are many aspects to love in marriage, and sex is an important one.

Just as married partners are not for others they are for each other.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 73)

Wake up, husbands and wives.  Enjoy a loving, sexual relationship, both of you.

If your wife does not enjoy this part of your marriage, please do a little research and find out what might help her enjoy it more.  And ask her what would help. If your husband struggles with lack of interest, find out why. There are reasons, either physical or emotional. Get help so you don’t miss out on this important part of marriage.

On the subject of finding joy in sexual intimacy we recommend a couple of books: (1) The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, a pastor/counselor and his wife who approach the subject from a Christ-centered perspective while giving detailed help. (2) And They Were Not Ashamed by LDS author Laura M. Brotherson, which focuses on strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment.  If you need to visit a marriage counselor for this issue then do so soon.

4. Talk about birth control

Sometimes there is a misconception about the Church’s stand on birth control. The following letter raised this issue.

“I have known many LDS women who use complete abstinence in their marriages, because the church does not endorse birth control, but abstinence is acceptable. Um, to WHO? By the way–abstinence is the most aggressive and effective method of birth control available to mankind. My husband would have been very, very unhappy if I had suggested this thing. I am still stunned when I hear a child-bearing age sister refer to this–if I were your husband, I would leave you, period. Men really need this physical release and demonstration of love. As a life-long active member, I urge young married women to find something else–but don’t do this to your wonderful husbands! It makes them very vulnerable to other women, at the very least…and destroys the intimacy of a marriage, as well. My advice: don’t even entertain the idea.”

The Church is very careful to stay out of the personal decisions of married couples. This is made clear in the latest Church Handbook 2: Administering the Church, under the heading Birth Control.  In part it states: “Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity. When husband and wife are physically able, they have the privilege and responsibility to bring children into the world and to nurture them. The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife.” (Italics added)

It also states: “Sexual relations within marriage are not only for the purpose of procreation, but also a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual ties between husband and wife.

“Husband and wife are encouraged to pray and counsel together as they plan their families. Issues to consider include the physical and mental health of the mother and father and their capacity to provide the basic necessities of life for their children.

“Decisions about birth control and the consequences of those decisions rest solely with each married couple. Elective abortion as a method of birth control, however, is contrary to the commandments of God.”

If you need advice regarding your personal situation you may want to discuss it with your gynecologist.  Then prayerfully seek for answers that feel right to both of you.  Remember, “Children are one of the greatest blessings in life, and their birth into loving and nurturing families is central to God’s purposes for humanity.” (Church Handbook 2)   Seek help in knowing what’s best for you. That’s what having agency and the guidance of the Holy Spirit is all about.

5. Express your love

In a General Conference talk Elder David A Bednar said, “Brethren and sisters, when was the last time you took your eternal companion in your arms and said, ‘I love you’?

“We should remember that saying “I love you” is only a beginning. We need to say it, we need to mean it, and most importantly we need consistently to show it. We need to both express and demonstrate love.

“President Thomas S. Monson recently counseled: ‘Often we assume that [the people around us] must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. … We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.’” (October 2009, “More Diligent and Concerned at Home”)

Saying the words is vitally important, then acting in a way that shows you mean it is the clincher. This insightful comment from a reader sheds more light on the subject: “As parents of soon-to-be husbands and wives, we should be doing a better job of preparing our children for marriage, and the intimacies that go with it. Along with that knowledge, and great love for each other, comes the principle by which marriage is based. Sacrifice. The alter we kneel at, isn’t just a place to hold hands… we lay our ALL there, willing to give all for this eternal union. If we aren’t willing to do that.. we shouldn’t be there, until we are.”

6. Know what it means to be married

There are many couples coming for counseling now who are the second, third, and fourth generation of families torn apart by divorce. They say they have no example of what makes a marriage successful. It is a living fulfillment of the scripture, “Visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children unto the third and fourth generation.” (Exodus 34:7) In effect, they have been shown that marriage is a throw-away commodity.  And they are searching for what constitutes a lasting, happy marriage. If you fit in this category, stop the trend.  Show your children that marriage can be lasting and happy.

In order to get a personal definition of marriage it is suggested that each spouse ask themselves “What do I want out of a marriage?” It’s important that they look at it as “a” marriage, not “their” marriage. That way they can be more objective in defining what marriage is.  When each has written their list, then they share it with each other.  It’s interesting to see how many of these lists are almost identical. They then combine their lists to make a definition of what they want out of “their” marriage.

As they rediscover the meaning of marriage it’s fun to see the look in their eyes. It’s an “Ah ha” moment for many couples. They now look at each other with a sparkle in their eyes. They now have a vision, a path to follow. Keeping that sparkle alive is a choice well worth the effort.

A wise counselor, Gloria Hirsch, taught that “an effective marriage relationship has three main characteristics. (1) My mate’s welfare and well being means as much to me as mine, not more and not less. (2) I can believe in the good intentions of my mate. (3) I can delay personal gratification or needs at least 50% of the time or more for the greater good of my spouse.

These three characteristics are summarized by three words: Equality, trust, and sacrifice.” (Gloria Hirsch, director of Friends of the Family Counseling Center, Van Nuys, CA)

Regarding marriage, on the Church website we read: “Marriage is a covenant, or sacred promise, that a man and a woman make to each other and to God. Husbands and wives who keep their promises build lasting relationships with each other and receive strength to deal with the challenges they face. . . . Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on sound principles, like those that Jesus Christ taught. These principles include faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. A home established on gospel principles is a place of refuge and safety, where the Spirit of the Lord can abide, blessing family members with peace, joy, and happiness.”

A registered nurse who wrote us, adds this wise comment: “So many times young people getting married think that being married in the temple is the ‘end’; however, my husband always said that being married in the temple is the ‘beginning’ of an Eternal Courtship.”

7. Find joy in your marriage

Now, please, just go and have some fun together.  Go on regular dates, see a movie, a ball game, go out to dinner, or just go have some ice cream. Do things together without the kids. It’s a time to hold hands, put an arm around each other as you walk. Talk, laugh, and see the beauty of life around you.  Have some fun!

Discover the joy in sharing spiritual moments together. There is no greater joy than having a spiritual experience with your spouse. It is the essence of genuine happiness.  In order for this to happen you must put yourselves in situations where it can happen.

We had such a moment this very morning as we were listening to Mormon chapter six. (We downloaded the audio version of the scriptures from LDS.org and listen to the Book of Mormon each morning as we eat breakfast together.)  We were listening to the heart rending cry of that great prophet Mormon, as he looked over the slain of an entire Nephite nation, many of whom had to be his relatives and dear friends. We could almost see him as he cried, “O ye fair ones, how could ye have departed from the ways of the Lord! O ye fair ones, how could ye have rejected that Jesus, who stood with open arms to receive you!”  We were touched in our hearts by his cry, his longing. We felt glad that he still had his faithful son Moroni.  We talked about how we pray daily, even many times a day, that we and our children will hold fast to the teachings of Christ, that we will be an eternal family. What a joy it is to be united in this desire.  Studying the scriptures together can be a great source of joy as you share feelings of the Spirit.

Have you sat in a sacrament meeting, or been watching General Conference together and felt a feeling of joy over certain message of the gospel?  We suggest you sit side by side, if you still have young children let them sit on either side of you.  Hold hands at least some of the time, squeeze each other’s hand when a feeling of love or understanding fills you.  Share those moments, talk about them later.  Pray together, pouring out your hearts together that your marriage will be blessed, that your children will be watched over, that you all will hear and follow the promptings of the Spirit.

One of our greatest joys happened each time we took our five adopted children to the temple and were sealed to them eternally. Words cannot express that joy. The temple is a place of joy. Go there as often as you can. It will bless your marriage.

Married life, though it is filled with challenges and trials (hey, it’s why we came to this earth, to be tested, remember?) Still, through it all we are to find joy.  “Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25) That is the ultimate goal of marriage.  That is God’s plan for our happiness.  We can make it happen in our own homes.

There is much happiness in marriage as is evident in these two comments from readers of our last article. A wife wrote, “My husband is not only a wonderful provider, but he is an incredible person that has a huge heart! He tries so hard to do what he thinks will make me and our family happy and he exceeds our expectations regularly.”

A husband wrote, “Live for your spouse100% and you will find joy. My wife is the greatest gift in my life and shall always be!”

President Howard W. Hunter said, “Being happily and successfully married is generally not so much a matter of marrying the right person as it is being the right person. The conscious effort to do one’s part fully is the greatest element contributing to success.” (From President Monson’s talk “Priesthood Power”)

Closing thought

Now, finally, a little story that illustrates the result of a happy marriage. Years ago there was a TV show “Kids Say the Darndest Things” hosted by Art Linkletter. On one episode he asked a young child where he lived. The boy said, “We just moved here and are living in a motel.”  Art Linkletter said, “Oh, you don’t have a home yet.”  The boy said, “Oh, Mr. Linkletter, we have a home, we just don’t have a house to put it in.”

Being together as husband, wife and children, if you have been fortunate to be blessed with some, or if it’s just the two of you, that’s what constitutes a home, wherever you may be.  In other words, you, the husband and wife, are the heart that makes a home. Making that home a loving place to be is what constitutes a happy marriage and a happy family.

School of Family Life, Brigham Young University

How these gospel principles will strengthen your marriage.

When couples get married, they joyfully anticipate the prospect of spending eternity together. They often enjoy having long conversations, going for walks, and spending time together. It is wonderful to be with someone you love so deeply.

Unfortunately, for some couples the bliss of deep love and immensely satisfying companionship does not last. Long talks are replaced by frequent arguments or angry silence.

Many of these couples divorce. Others withdraw emotionally from the relationship. The spouses become distant from each other, and they keep their interaction to a minimum.

How do these couples go from ecstatic levels of love and happiness to frequent conflict, bitterness, and in many cases, divorce? Researchers have identified a number of reasons, but in my professional experience, I have found that most of these explanations boil down to two fundamental factors: a lack of repentance and a lack of forgiveness.

Last month we wrote the article Wake-up Call for Husbands, and were surprised to see the large number of comments and emails we received.  Many were from wives expressing gratitude for the ideas presented, some saying they were looking forward to the article for wives since they really do want to be good wives and are eager to find out things they may not be aware of to show greater love to their husbands.

Some were thank-you’s from men who expressed their love for their wives and found some helpful ideas in the article to enhance their marriage relationship. Some of the comments were from men defending their positions and stating they “can’t wait to read the wake-up call for wives article because wives certainly have faults, too.”

We appreciated the helpful ideas that came in from men who are struggling from mistreatment from their wives. Just to show the intensity some felt, one man wrote, “Thousands of men suffer in silence at the abuse and neglect leveled at them by their wives. Yet what seems to get published all the time is what the men need to do, how bad the men are.”

It’s now time for the wives wake-up call. Many of our readers’ remarks will be included in this article.

Writing an article like this is risky and takes a bit of courage, since some may be offended. We discovered last time that some can be very unkind in communicating their feelings to us. Our intent is to help, not offend. Knowing that most wives are doing a superb job, we hope you will read this with minds open to learn what might improve your own marriage. We can’t possibly say everything that could be, or even needs to be, said on the subject. But we’ll do the best we can for now.  We’re the first to admit we don’t have all the answers, but still we try to be of help. We are not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, simply hoping to give helpful suggestions. If it applies to you, we hope you will be willing to make positive changes to enhance your marriage.

A reader by the name of Bruce summed up our intent perfectly in this comment: “Marriage, like almost everything of importance takes maintenance. It is far easier to maintain and enrich your present relationship (if you haven’t messed it up already) than to establish a new one. Besides, if you don’t change, the new relationship will not last either. The fun things that brought you together can keep you together.”

Joseph F. Smith’s counsel to wives, after giving counsel to husbands, is as true today as it was then. “The wife, also should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him. She should not nag him. She should not try to arouse his anger or make things unpleasant about the home. The wife should be a joy to her husband, and she should live and conduct herself at home so the home will be the most joyous, the most blessed place on earth to her husband. This should be the condition of the husband, wife, the father and the mother, within the sacred precinct of that holy place, the home.”  (Gospel Doctrine, 283–84)

Tips for Wives

• Give him time to unwind.

Clinical studies have shown that when men are overly stressed after a hard day at work, what they need is a quiet time to just sit and basically think of nothing.  Just rest from all cares.  Women, on the other hand, often unwind by talking about their day, pouring it all out. If couples understand this difference they’ll know a little better how to give their spouses what they need.

Jill, from Oregon, said she could tell when her husband was really stressed after work. As was the custom, she would greet him with a kiss, and then suggest he sit quietly, undisturbed in his study for 15 minutes or so, and would bring him his favorite apple juice drink, then leave him alone without asking any questions.  After a few minutes he would come out refreshed, play with the kids and help out with household chores. Did she do this every day?  No, but enough times, when he was particularly stressed or agitated, to let him know she understood his needs. She said that many times he returned the favor to her.

When wives pay attention to their husbands needs, he will be more inclined to pay attention to hers.  Find out what your husband needs and wants by simply asking him.

• If something continually bothers you, let him know

Don’t let it build up and then explode, or end it with divorce papers. If something is wrong, let him know. This is most effective when done out of the heat of the moment.  Let’s say he said something, maybe sarcastic, in public that he thought was funny, but was very hurtful to you. When you get home and are alone, in a calm manner tell him how you felt.  You might say, “I felt sad tonight when you told that joke about me. I felt ridiculed and hurt. I’m asking you to please never do that again.”  His intent was probably to just be funny but had no thought about how it may hurt her.  Now he knows and will likely not do it again. Then drop it. If it happens again, repeat the process. Always being kind and respectful, not hateful in your response.

This works well with whatever he may be doing that has been hurtful to you. When you do this don’t bring up how many times it’s happened, just start where you are and let him know your feelings.  It’s our belief that husbands don’t want to hurt their wives, it’s just that they sometimes are not aware. So let him know, in a kind, but firm way.

• Listen to him

Many women complain that their husbands just don’t talk much. There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that, generally speaking, men aren’t as inclined to talk as women are.  They’re just made that way.  However, they would talk more if their wives would really listen.  To see what we mean read this comment from another letter we received and see if you can discover why he doesn’t talk much.

“[My wife’s] complaint is that I never talk to her…. I converse but she almost always tears me down or has a better way to do something… and makes me feel like a total moron… she has a master’s degree and I only have an associates… but I make over 90K so she can stay at home… I help with the dishes, house cleaning, toilets, you name it   And would do the laundry but she won’t let me (I DO know how!).”

Who wants to share ideas with someone who tears those ideas apart or pooh poohs them?  No one!  (That goes both ways, men) Too many times women immediately begin criticizing when a man shares his thoughts.  Please just listen and validate his feelings.

You don’t have to agree, but you do need to listen as he shares his ideas.

That’s called courtesy and respect.  At a later time you can say you’ve been thinking about what he said and offer your thoughts on the subject in a respectful way.

• Let your husband know how much you love and appreciate him.

In response to our Wake-up Call for Husbands article we received this letter. It sounds extreme and uncommon, but is it?  Here is a portion of this very discouraged husband’s letter.  Look at it, wives, and see if you find yourself anywhere in it.

“But what about us men whose wives treat them like slaves? I’ve been married 30+ years and have never had a breakfast or lunch made. She won’t even wake up to see me off in the morning, and when I come home in the evening I’m expected to do my share of the housework, and somehow my share is the biggest share. Oh, my wife is a full-time homemaker.

“I am allowed two pair of pants; anything else is a waste according to my wife who can fill two closets. I don’t even own a pair of jeans to do yard work.

“My wife has only said “thank you” twice in our marriage for me holding the door open for her.

“According to the Gospel, I must continue to treat my wife with tenderness and love; there is no way for a priesthood holder to retaliate when a wife treats him like this. Can’t abuse her; can’t even talk back. According to current church leadership, I must continue being meek and mild. According to my bishop and stake president I must not criticize her or “hurt her feelings.” In other words, she is my abuser and I must take it or I am not a worthy priesthood holder.

“My wife is not the only one. I see many women like her in the Church. . . . No wonder the young men are refusing to marry! This is indelicate of me, but if church leadership would have the courage to preach at the women about how to act in marriage like they do the men, there would be women worth marrying.”

That was a lot of hurt to unload. No man should be treated that way. He needs to kindly and respectfully set some boundaries. We hope that pouring it all out like that has helped him feel better, and even more importantly we hope that any woman in that situation will see how wrong her behavior is. We must remember “what is good for the goose is good for the gander.”  Both husband and wife deserve kindness and respect.

Now on a much more positive note, a Relief Society president from California, wrote the following:  “I think most of what you said in the husband article applies to wives.  Many times we don’t tell our husbands how much we appreciate them.  Often they feel they can’t do enough to please us and that we are never satisfied.  I think it is critical to keep your relationship alive and growing.  It is important to keep your romance and courtship going.  You need to flirt with your husband, make him feel desirable and let him know how much you appreciate him.  I love surprising my husband with something romantic.  One day when the kids weren’t home I made a sign on our bedroom door, “Ritz Hotel”.  I had decorated our bedroom with candles, chocolate, cold sparkling cider, a massage table, etc.  We had our own little hotel getaway right at home.  He was very surprised and loved it.  We still remember and refer to that night together.  I think it is important to let your husband feel that you are crazy about him, as much or more than when you married him. I think too many times lack of attention at home turns their heads to attention outside the home.”

Men generally work hard to provide for their families.  They deserve some special attention and sincere expressions of appreciation from their wife, just as wives do from their husbands.  It’s amazing how far a genuine “thank you” and a little romance from a spouse will go.

• Be sexually willing and responsive

Speaking of romance, one male reader made a valuable contribution regarding physical intimacy.  He reminded wives with the “Good Girl Syndrome” that they “must make an effort to embrace [sexual intimacy] and not consider it sinful.  Your husband wants you to enjoy this special part of your marriage as much as he does, so help him know what you need to enjoy it.”

He went on to say, “In priesthood we hear it over and over again to ‘cherish and respect your wives as they are daughters of God’ which is true and I see countless examples.  I have read most of the Relief Society broadcasts and it seems the men are pounded on this and pornography (as these are two critical issues), but it seems that the sisters are not told that their husbands are son’s of God and need to be respected, including the area of intimacy.”

Another letter was very revealing. He wrote: “I once saw a man wearing a T-shirt that said, ‘I will WORK for SEX’. I wanted one of those to wear around the house. though it would have done me no good. “Just as women need to have hugs and kisses and words of endearment whispered in their ear, men need to have sex. If I had been stingy with my hugs and kisses for my wife, our marriage would not have made it. I wonder sometimes how I have endured her being stingy with sex and many times acting as if it were like a chore.

“Sex is a basic need. Sometimes I think somehow our chastity teaching needs to include teaching young women that sexual purity is needed before marriage, but after marriage emphasize that it is okay to turn it off and enjoy sex with their husbands. Sex should be the a spice to our marriages and the glue that helps hold couples together.”

A woman identified only as LDS woman, gave some interesting advice.  She said, “I would encourage the sisters to give themselves to their husband sexually as often as they are able.  Men are so relaxed and rejuvenated by this that I believe it should be scheduled in! In our marriage we have a rule, I’m available every other day…which usually translates to Tuesdays and Thursdays and weekends.  It has served us well, this planning, because I know that the other days are “mine” and it’s not expected.  Women have told me that it takes away spontaneity, but I say, with our busy lives, it’s better than it being weeks since we last made love!”

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “There are many aspects to love in marriage, and sex is an important one.  Just as married partners are not for others they are for each other.” (Miracle of Forgiveness, p. 73)

• Put the needs of your home and family first

Some of the men who wrote us expressed frustration at the way their wives were neglecting their responsibilities at home.  Some reported that their wives spent hours on the computer social networking with friends, ignoring the house completely.

Others complained that it appeared that nothing had been done at all to clean their home or fix meals, even though they were not employed outside the home.

Some were aware that their wives were off shopping or scrapbooking, and having fun with girl friends, rather than keeping up the home. It’s important to note that they didn’t resent their wives having a good time, but when it became so constant and the neglect so obvious, they were sad.

One disheartened husband wrote, “Like many good husbands, I work long hours at my job, hold responsibilities in the church, and also do my share of cooking meals, washing dishes, taking out trash, bathing young kids, and the rest of the household chores.  My wife works a part time job that allows her to be home with the children most of the time.

“Here is what I have observed with my wife and many sisters in the church under 40.  They don’t feel that running a house and taking care of children is rewarding or their primary responsibility.  They have many activities taking them away from the children and out of the home.  They have their TV shows that they watch religiously, no matter what impact that has on children’s schedules, family scripture reading, and family prayer time.  Many seem proud that they can’t cook, can’t iron, and rarely do any housecleaning.  My wife and I have talked through these issues, and we are trying better to meet each others needs. . . .

“Several recent studies show that American men work about 10 hours more per week than their dads did, many have hour long commutes, and that American men spend more hours caring for children and doing housework than other men, or their fathers did.

“The reality is that American LDS men are working longer, spending more time with children and housework than ever before, while American LDS women are doing less.  They have fewer children than before, they spend less time caring for the children and home.  My wife points out that she spends more time driving the kids to activities.  After a while, we both chose to limit the children’s participation in sports and activities to make more time for the family.”

This letter gives you a flavor of the frustration some husbands are feeling.  Another man wrote us telling of the neglect he received from his wife. Without going into all the details he shared, we’ll quote his final statement: “I see so many of the young women of the Church growing up believing that some prince charming will see to all their needs and they won’t be expected to do anything that requires effort or that may make them feel the slightest bit ‘uncomfortable.’  Yes, they are daughters of a king and they are princesses, destined to become queens.  And, we were all sent here to work and to sacrifice and to take up our crosses and follow our Savior.  That requires at least occasional discomfort, even for the royal princesses.”

We hope these letters from men will nudge women who fall into this category to wake up and more clearly see their vitally important role as a wife and mother. Please know that we understand that most of you wives reading this are already diligently fulfilling this responsibility.

Sister Julie B. Beck, Relief Society General President, in General Conference Oct. 2008, clarified the role of women of the Church when she said, “Latter-day Saint women must be strong and immovable in family. They can and should do families better than anyone else. We, as disciples of Christ, can and should be the very best in the world at upholding, nourishing, and protecting families. We do this as we:

1.  Understand and defend the divine roles of women.

2. Embrace the blessings of the priesthood.

3.  Form eternal families.

4. Maintain strong marriages.

5. Bear and rear children.

6. Express love for and nurture family members.

7. Accept responsibility to prepare a righteous rising generation.

8.  Know, live, and defend the doctrine of the family.

• Believe him when he says he loves you, and be forgiving

An anonymous reader made this comment: “Last week my wife of 22 years decided to divorce. Four kids, and it is the worst nightmare of my life. I have provided well and have been told for years that I have never loved her. I have tried to show and express love only to have her believe its not genuine. She can recite vividly the day 20 years ago that I did something that proved I could not love her, and 12 years ago when…[and on it goes]. How about an article encouraging wives to forgive and forget those offenses, real or imagined, that happen on occasion in marriage. Another temple marriage bites the dust. It’s awful!”

Every spouse will at some point make mistakes, some more serious than others. We have observed that when repentance and forgiveness are genuine marriages can flourish.  Years ago a local church leader, in a private conversation, said, “My wife doesn’t get hysterical, she gets historical.”  Leave past mistakes alone and move on.

President Gordon B. Hinckley counseled: “If there is forbearance, if there is forgiveness, if there is an anxious looking after the happiness of one’s companion then love will flourish and blossom.  The prescription is simple and wonderfully effective.  It’s love.  It’s plain simple every day love and respect.”

• Accept his compliments and say thank you.

For some reason many wives have difficulty accepting their husbands compliments.  Maybe they don’t feel good about themselves, and if that’s the case, please don’t put that onto your husband.  Thank him when he praises or complements you. Believe him. Don’t give him reasons why you’re not what he says you are.  A husband at one of our marriage retreats, in the breakout session where men and women are separated, said, “I told my wive she had cute ankles, and she does.  But she came back with, “just look a little higher and you’ll see how fat I am.”  He was crushed by her remark.  He said, “Please tell wives to accept our compliments.”

So here it comes: Wives, accept your husband’s compliments!  Why in the world would anyone point out her faults and bring them to her spouse’s attention.  That’s just crazy.

• He needs compliments, too.

In a MensHealth.com survey 38% of men said they are rarely or never complimented by their partners, and less than 25% are regularly complimented.  When your husband does something for you or the family make sure he knows you appreciate it by saying thank you.  Be specific in your compliments and expressions of gratitude, such as, “Thanks so much for working so hard to support our family.” or “Thank you for being so patient with Johnny tonight.”  You may think, “These are his responsibilities, why do I have to thank him for it?”  You do it because it’s kind and respectful, and it shows him you are noticing the good things he does.  It will inspire him to want to be an even better husband and father.

One gentleman wrote, “For more than twenty years I have enjoyed opening doors for my wife, but I could count on one hand the times she’s thanked me for it.

”  It just feels good to be acknowledged for a good deed.

Another man wrote that it had been many years since his wife had complimented his looks.  He said he tries to be clean and nicely dressed, but “she never seems to notice. I want to be attractive to her.” Men need to know that you still think he’s handsome.  Even though bodies change through the years, there’s still something about him you can compliment, like his arm muscles, his smile, his eyes, how good he looks in his suit. Anything you notice about his physical appearance that you like, let him know. And be sincere.

• Be a lady.

Is there a difference between a woman and lady?  When a female client was recently asked this question she said, “Woman is a gender, lady is an attitude.”  An excellent definition of the difference.  One man said, “My wife is my yardstick for womanhood.  She acts like a lady, she dresses like a lady, she talks like a lady, and expects to be treated like a lady.  And she’s fun to be around.”

Men love being with a lady. They’re surrounded by men all day, or some women who are trying to be like men, so give him the gift of having a wife who is a true lady. He’ll love it. And yes, ladies can do all kinds of tough tasks and still be a lady.  Does that mean she has to wear a skirt all the time.  Of course not.  That’s not even practical. It means she acts in gentleness, but can work like a trooper.  She is strong, and yet is respectful and gentle in her strength. She doesn’t curse or act vulgar. She speaks in loving ways. She embraces her femininity. That’s being a lady.  Remember, it’s an attitude.

President Faust said, “Femininity is part of your inner beauty.” (Ensign, May 2000, 96) So let it show by how you act.

• Be 100% loyal and faithful to your husband.

That’s what you want from him, so be sure to give the same to him.  If ideas pop into your head that someone else is more attractive than your husband, or more successful, or more patient, and that you wish you could be with someone like that, recognize that that is Satan speaking to your mind.  He rejoices when you let those thoughts stay because he knows it will cause you to be unhappy in your marriage and want to seek someone else.

Don’t flirt with other men. Never.  It’s not cute, it’s cheap and disrespectful to your husband.  You wouldn’t want him to do it, so don’t you do it.  Keep your romantic feelings and thoughts for your husband only.  Never let them stray.

Speak kindly of your husband to others. To share his faults, and they all have some (as do wives) , with friends or family members is a type of betrayal.  It causes you to concentrate on his short comings.  Instead, tell about his good points, and focus there.  When you do that you’ll become more and more aware of what a great guy he is.

• What if your husband abuses you?

No woman should ever have to endure a physically abusive husband. If that’s your situation, talk to your bishop or a professional counselor.  Bishops who are reading this, please listen to a sister who comes to you with this problem. Believe her! Even if her husband appears to be a righteous priesthood holder.  If it’s serious abuse, wives, call the police when it happens.  Get yourself into a safe place.  You must take care of yourself and your children.

A woman who had been in an abusive relationship, which included being whipped by her husband with a curling iron, and is now separated from her him, wrote this: “So what’s my advice to [women considering marriage]? Get an education. Get a skill. Be prepared in life to support yourself. Learn about finances. Live on your own before you ever get married. Know that you can take care of yourself. Date someone for a long time. Know their family. Here’s a question to ask him: ‘Did your Dad ever hit your mom?’ (You know, your dad who has been a bishop, in a stake presidency and is a temple worker) Did your Dad ever hit you or your brothers and sisters? How were problems resolved in your home?  How are finances run in your family? How are decisions made? Observe for a long time the interactions of future in-laws. Bring your mom and dad along to get to know these future in-laws and listen to their observations.  Think, pray, read up on marriage and relationships. Counseling before marriage might be helpful.  Learning about boundaries might be really helpful.”

The following heartfelt letter came from a woman whose husband abused her and their young son to the point of the boy’s life being in jeopardy.  For their safely she had to leave. She went through a long period of healing her broken heart while providing as happy a home as she could for her son.  Her message gives hope to everyone in such a situation.

She wrote: “Those long years on my own slowly helped to heal my broken heart.  I have [decided] that IF I could ever meet, trust, and fall in love with a wonderful, goodly man, I would demonstrate each day just how happy I was to be married to him.

“Four years ago, a dear friend from my ward introduced me to her brother.  He is a real man and a real gentle-man.  He, too, had been on his own for 11 years before we met, raising his three sons.  He is a truly great guy.

“We dated for one year, sharing our hearts and minds, before kneeling across the altar in the Lord’s Holy Temple in 2008 to be sealed for time and all eternity.  Our life together is truly blissful.

“He calls me his queen and treats me as such.  Every morning he awakes and he must think, ‘What can I do to make my wife’s day better and brighter and make her glad she is married to me?’ because he does thoughtful little things he knows would make me happy.  He always has a smile for me and a warm hug, and takes the time to talk with me at the end of his busy day.

“I, in turn, awake thinking, ‘What can I do to make my husband’s day better and brighter, and make him glad he is married to me?’ I ENJOY creating a happy home for him, caring for him, cooking his favorite foods, dressing nicely for him, and waiting for his arrival at the end of his long work day with a smile and hug and kind word!

“My dear husband and I are older than most young couples starting out and hopefully a little wiser, too.  We try to put the Lord first in our lives.  We are also busy thinking about each other and what our spouse would appreciate — rather than ourselves.  We try never to take each other for granted.

“We enjoy reaching out and serving others in our Church and community life, and look forward to serving a mission together.

My husband is truly my earthly and heavenly companion.

We look for the best in each other and don’t get bogged down in trivial little annoyances.  We are so blessed to have been brought together by the Lord.  This knowledge makes life a joy!  We look to each day and each night together and are grateful to know that we are joined together forever through sacred priesthood ordinance.

“I cannot begin to share the deep joy and peace in my heart, and always begin and end each day kneeling in reverent, sweet prayer of thanksgiving to my Heavenly Father for sending this honorable, devout, sincere, brilliant, spiritual, handsome, and witty man into my life!  I intend to keep on showing him in thought, word, and deed just how much he means to me.”

This letter touched us deeply.  It summarizes and culminates our thoughts about how marriage can be when both the wife and the husband wake up to what needs to be done to create a happy marriage.

Final comment

This article is not an indictment against wives.  To the contrary, we believe that most wives work very hard to bring happiness to their husbands and families, and that they love them dearly.  As mentioned at the beginning, this article is meant to help those who want to improve their marriage.  Many more things could be said, but this is a start. We hope it helps.  (To read the article Wake-up Call for Husbands click here)

Our friend Crystal (name changed), married twenty-five years, visited us recently. She was deeply troubled and angry at her husband. She had had it!  The words came spilling out. “I can’t take his disrespect for me any longer! I’m through!”

She was extremely upset and her frustration spewed out like an erupting volcano. “I do everything for him. I fix his breakfast, I pack his lunch, I fix dinner, I do his laundry, I do everything! I even give him a massage when he’s tired. And he does nothing for me in return. Nothing! He expresses no appreciation for all I do.  I’m done!”

We let the venting continue, then asked a few questions. “Does he work hard earning a living?  Does he faithfully attend Church?  Does he attend the temple with you?”

She answered, “Yes, he does all of those things, but nothing’s sinking in. I have a part-time job and work hard, too.  He doesn’t care. I write out and pay all the bills. He so thoughtless he won’t even put his dirty clothes in the hamper, just throws them on the floor and the furniture. It’s like he never met a hanger in his life. And his smelly socks are just tossed on the floor in our bedroom. He says he’ll take me on a date or an overnight trip but it just doesn’t happen and when it does, which is rare, it’s only to where he wants to go, not where I want to go.  I simply don’t matter to him!”

“Is there more?” we asked.  Might as well lay it all out.

“Yes. He won’t listen to me. And I told him he never listens to me.  He said, ‘Yes, I do, I just choose to ignore what you say.”

Appalling!  It’s a good thing he wasn’t present or we would have been sorely tempted to give him a well-placed NCIS head slap.

Crystal didn’t want to divorce her husband, she just couldn’t stand being treated like a servant any more. She said she didn’t mind doing some things for him, but not everything. “And,” she said, “some words of appreciation would definitely help.” We gave her a few suggestions about how to set boundaries, and encouraged her to keep praying and hold on.

Fortunate for him (and her) General Conference was that weekend.  She reported to us that, as usual, he attended the priesthood session.  Of course, she had no idea what had been talked about. Her husband came home, didn’t say a word about the talks, just began immediately to change.  The following days were even better. She was amazed.  Apparently he had listened to the prophet and took it to heart. An answer to her prayer.

What had President Monson said that made the difference? Here are a few excerpts from his talk to the priesthood brethren.  Read and see for yourself what might have been this man’s wake up call from the Lord.

President Monson’s Counsel

President Monson said, “I believe the saddest and most discouraging responsibility I have each week is the handling of cancellations of sealings. . . . The vast majority of requests for cancellations of sealings come from women who tried desperately to make a go of the marriage but who, in the final analysis, could not overcome the problems.”

That comment must have snapped a few heads to attention.  President Monson went on to say, “Your wife is your equal. In marriage neither partner is superior nor inferior to the other. You walk side by side as a son and a daughter of God. She is not to be demeaned or insulted but should be respected and loved. Said President Gordon B. Hinckley: ‘Any man in this Church who … exercises unrighteous dominion over [his wife] is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.’ (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood,” Liahona, July 2002, 60; Ensign, May 2002, 54.

It sounds like serious attention to your marriage, to your wife, is vital to being a righteous, worthy priesthood holder.

Husbands, this may be the perfect time to take a look at your own marriage, your own worthiness. What are you doing to show respect to your wife, to show her that you and she are equal partners, helping with home duties and paying attention to her needs and desires.  Not “demeaning or insulting” your wife. Are you treating her like a servant, or an equal partner?

Ask Your Wife

Be brave and ask your wife how you measure up.  Better to know now and correct the problems than to be blindsided by divorce papers later on. When you ask, don’t get upset at her answers, just thank her for her honesty and make your plan to improve.

We recently learned of a young couple on the east coast whose wife “out of the blue” walked away from the marriage. He knew they were having some communication struggles but had no idea she was carrying such animosity toward him. He came home from work and everything of hers was moved out.  He was stunned.  Clueless.

Several years ago this same thing happened to a friend of ours. He, too, was stunned.  In both cases these young husbands’ hearts were broken. It was so sad and so unnecessary. Maybe if these husbands would have examined more closely how they were treating their wives their marriages could have been saved. In the latter case, children were involved and suffered a world of hurt.

President Monson went on to say, “If any of you are having difficulty in your marriage, I urge you to do all that you can to make whatever repairs are necessary, that you might be as happy as you were when your marriage started out. We who are married in the house of the Lord do so for time and for all eternity, and then we must put forth the necessary effort to make it so. I realize that there are situations where marriages cannot be saved, but I feel strongly that for the most part they can be and should be. Do not let your marriage get to the point where it is in jeopardy.

“President Hinckley taught that it is up to each of us who hold the priesthood of God to discipline ourselves so that we stand above the ways of the world. It is essential that we be honorable and decent men. Our actions must be above reproach.” (Pres. Monson, April 2011 Gen Conf Priesthood session)

It is vital that husbands become aware of what matters most to their wives. In fact, what matters most to her must be top on the list of what matters most to you. If you love and adore her, then let her know by your actions. Do not diminish what is important to her. If you can’t figure out what matters to her then ask her.  As you pay attention to this, showing honor to her, she will return the love and will, likewise, adore you.  What matters to you will then become vitally important to what matters to her.

We have noticed that far too often when divorced men come in for counseling they say they didn’t even know anything was wrong.

Husbands, you need to know that nothing like this comes “out of the blue”.  There may be one final act that pushes a wife over the top and she can’t take it any more, and WAHM! The marriage is over.

A man can get very comfortable treating his wife like a servant, expecting her to do everything around the home, or at least most of it, without lifting a hand.  This will boil inside of her and eventually erupt, sometimes beyond repair.

Ask Yourself

Here are a few questions to ask yourself and act upon so this won’t happen to you.

• Do I come home after work and plop down in a chair with the TV remote in hand?

• Do I kiss my wife in an affectionate way when I come home from work and ask what I can do to help?

• Do I give the kids a quick hug and then send them off to their mother when they need some help?

• Do I take care of my own clothes by hanging them up, putting dirty ones in the hamper, including my dirty socks?

• Do I help with the laundry?

• Do I tell my wife how much I appreciate her and all she does?

• Do I get specific in my compliments to her, such as “Thanks for making this delicious beef stroganoff. You know how much I like it. It was really good. Thank you so much.”

• Do I help clean up after dinner and help wash the dishes?

• Do I help fix meals? (Particularly important if both of you are employed)

• Do I really listen and act on what she wants, or do I ignore it?

• Do I keep my promises to her?

• Do I take her on a weekly date?

• Am I honest with my wife?

• Do I speak to her respectfully, never in a demeaning or insulting way?

• Do I kneel and pray with her and tell the Lord how thankful I am for her?

• Do I look after her when she’s ill?

• Am I completely faithful to my wife?

Many other things could be added to this list.  If you have that conversation with your wife, asking her how you measure up, you’ll know what else belongs on the list.

Like Crystal’s husband, there are many who have an epiphany-type experience that is so powerful that they not only decide to change, but they actually do change. The important thing is that this change is one that lasts.  A bishop recently counseling his ward members said, “When you make a decision to change for the better, make it a  life-long decision.”  Too many times people change, but then the change fades away and they are back in their old habits. That won’t save a marriage, it has to be a lasting change.

There are Many Good Husbands

We recognize that many husbands are true to their covenants, who respect and honor their wives, working hard to keep their marriages strong.  To those husbands we salute you.  If you are in that category, we still urge you to make sure you are doing all that the prophet has counseled husbands to do. We all must continually examine and improve our relationships with our spouses.

Just so you know, there will be a follow-up article, “Wake-up Call for Wives”.  If you want to share your thoughts on this subject please write to gjlundberg@gmail.com. We will welcome your suggestions.

Gary Lundberg is a marriage and family therapist, his wife, Joy, is a song writer and author; they present marriage retreats, firesides and seminars and write books on creating happy relationship, see their website at http://www.garyjoylundberg.com

Please read this article when you have the chance.  Money challenges can STRENGTHEN a marriage believe it or not.

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A new survey by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia has found that the recession has both stressed and strengthened marriages. The study, released Monday for the beginning of National Marriage Week, relied on data from nearly 1,200 married Americans from ages 18 to 45.

The study’s two most positive findings are that “many couples report that the recession has deepened their commitment to marriage,” and that “among those who were considering a divorce prior to the recession, a large minority of couples say the recession cause them to postpone or put aside divorce,” according to W. Bradford Wilcox, author of the report, director of the National Marriage Project and a sociology professor in U.Va.’s College of Arts & Sciences.

The study, which relies on data from the National Marriage Project’s Survey of Marital Generosity, is the first to look at the impacts of the “Great Recession” on marriage in the United States, according to Wilcox, who recently spoke at BYU about the importance of cohesive, biological families.

Among those surveyed, 29 percent responded that the recession had brought financial stress to their marriage. (Twenty-four percent were ambivalent and 47 percent disagreed.) Among those who indicated greater financial stress, only 26 percent claimed to have a happy marriage.

Yet 29 percent of total respondents agreed that the recession had deepened their commitment to marriage, while 58 percent neither disagreed nor agreed and 13 percent disagreed.

Regarding divorce, five percent of respondents said they were considering it before the recession, yet 38 percent of that group said the recession changed their minds.

“Though the survey cannot estimate the number of marriages that dissolved as a result of the recession, it appears that some, at least, have been saved for now,” according to the study. “Moreover, the results of this survey are consistent with data from the 2010 State of Our Unions report, which indicated that divorce rates have fallen since the Great Recession began.”

The Great Recession has also hit unequally, falling hardest on those with less education, the study points out. The survey found that 57 percent of college-educated respondents reported zero financial stressors, while only 42 percent of those without college degrees could report the same stability.

Religion may be another way to stave off some stress, with researchers finding that of couples who attended religious services several times a month with their spouse, only 25 percent reported recession-caused marital stress, compared to 31 percent of their non-church attending counterparts.

What is love? The scriptures state the Lord’s greatest commandment is to love Him and love each other.

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39).

We love our families, right? Consider the love you felt on your wedding day or the first time you held your newborn child. Mindy loves chocolate. Eric loves apple pie. Maybe you love Ferraris or scrapbooking or hunting. Hmm, we use the same word to describe many different emotions. So what is love? What is God’s love?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends”
(1 Corinthians 13:4, Holy Bible, English Standard Version).

“How clearly the Savior spoke when He said that every other commandment hangs upon the principle of love (see Matthew 22:40). If we do not neglect the great laws—if we truly learn to love our Heavenly Father and our fellowman with all our heart, soul, and mind—all else will fall into place” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Love of God,” Ensign, Nov. 2009).

How do we receive this and share it with others? Unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.

Kinds of love: If, Because, Even Though

I love you if…if you are nice to me; if you do what I say; if you are popular; if you can get me what I want.

I love you because…because you are pretty, smart, talented, rich, obedient, successful.

Both of the above are selfish and conditional; therefore, they are not truly love. Consider the third alternative: I love you even though. I love you even though you are imperfect. I love you even though you have weaknesses. I love you even though you make mistakes. This is how God loves us and how we can learn to love others.

Additionally, true love must be loving to everyone involved. We are not suggesting that if someone is beating you that you say, “I love you even though you abuse me.” Continuing to accept the abuse would not be loving to yourself or to the person committing the abuse as their sin hurts their own soul as well as yours. In that case standing up for yourself, removing yourself from the situation or otherwise stopping the abuse to continue would be loving for both of you. Let us explain further. In his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey explains the idea of win/win, win/lose, and lose/lose in how we approach our relationships. Win/lose means that we can enter any relationship or situation with the objective of getting what we want no matter what the outcome will probably be. We win at the expense of the other person’s feelings or needs. Lose/lose would amount to neither party getting what they want. Win/win means finding an outcome that is beneficial and acceptable to both parties. We suggest that win/win is the only loving choice. It has to be loving to all parties to qualify as true love, otherwise it is something else. If it is loving to you but not to the other person, then if you look deeper, you may well find you are somehow hurt also. Again, unconditional love is the only kind. If it’s anything else, it’s not love.

“If you think well of others, you will also speak well of others and to others. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. If your heart is full of love, you will speak of love” (Mother Teresa).

So what are some concrete ways to increase unconditional love in our lives?

Quality vs. Quantity

Much has been said about the idea of quality vs. quantity. We’d like to offer you a slightly different view on the subject. Basically we wonder how you can have one without the other; they are two sides of the same coin. Quantity does not necessarily produce quality, and it’s challenging to create quality if you never spend time together. Let us illustrate. Have you ever spent three hours watching TV on the couch next to someone? That’s quantity right? Consider whether your relationship was enhanced. Did any bonding occur? There are many ways to interact and many purposes of interaction such as fun, instruction, work, etc. We believe whatever the interaction the primary goal should be an increase of love between those involved — increased bonding, depth, respect, appreciation, and/or trust for each other. So did sitting on the couch next to each other increase love?

Please consider an alternate scenario. It’s late, past dinnertime and a discouraged husband is returning home after a less-than-successful day at the office. Deadlines weren’t met, his boss was frustrated, and all he wants to do is relax and forget about the day before he has to face it again tomorrow. He opens the door to his house to find a his wife pacing the floors with a very fussy baby. Still in her pajamas, even though it is evening, it is obvious her day has been dedicated to caring for a sick child. Dishes and laundry undone, exhausted with worry, she cannot wait for her husband to take a turn comforting the child so that she can sit down for just a moment. Both are overwhelmed; both need and deserve a break. In a split second the next few hours are decided. Will they think of their own needs or recognize the needs of the other? Consciously choosing love, they see the needs of the other. The husband drops his briefcase and phone and takes the fussing baby in one arm and his wife in the other. In the comfort of each other’s arms, they both sigh relief and let their souls fill up with the knowledge they are not in this life alone.
Were all their troubles solved? No, but more troubles were not added in selfishness and fighting. Their spirits were also lifted and comforted in each other’s love and support, giving them the strength to go on. Quality in a split-second decision. Deep affirmation of their love and support of each other and perspective that this bad day will pass. Personally we believe this type of quality can happen when quantity is consistently used to develop the relationship.

There are several ideas that can affect the quality of love in our lives.

C. S. Lewis said,
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

First of all, is your heart open to love? Honestly look deep inside yourself. What condition is your heart in? As you’ll read in the chapter on stories, Mindy had several stories that the Lord was merciful enough to teach her were inhibiting her ability to receive love. She writes, “I deeply loved my family, but as I looked honestly into my own heart, I realized it was bruised and battered and that I held it somewhat guarded against any future harm. As I prayerfully chose to release those past hurts through Christ’s Atonement, I was also able to choose to open my heart and fully receive the love around me, beginning with my husband and children. I am a visual person, and it’s as if I was holding my heart locked away in a fortress with a heavily guarded gate. As I choose to open the gate, I saw my family and friends all around ready to give me so much love.”
Do you see the love all around you? Are you open to receiving it? If you’re wondering what on earth we’re talking about right now, your heart is probably pretty open. On the other hand, if your chest feels somewhat constricted at this idea or your breathing has suddenly become more shallow, we suggest you take a look at why. Real love is about both giving and receiving. If you are only giving love, it is incomplete. It can actually become stifling and drag you down.

Once you are ready to receive love, the knowledge that we all give and receive love in different ways is extremely valuable. We’ll explain more in challenge #3.

Challenges

1.Make a list of 25 things you love or admire about your spouse. You can keep it to yourself, or if you feel so inclined, share it with him or her. Sharing is preferable.

2.Without your spouse’s knowledge, commit to say and do only loving things to him or her for 2 weeks. Take it a step further by committing to follow this in and out of his or her presence, i.e., don’t complain to the guys or girlfriends about your spouse. And even further, control your thoughts by replacing each unkind thought with 3 things you are grateful for about your spouse. It is highly beneficial to write about these experiences. Warning: If this is really a stretch for you, you probably really need it. Also you may get some suspicion or resistance from your spouse, but keep on in your commitment.

3.One way to use quantity time in the most impactful way is to learn how your spouse receives love and then give it to him or her daily. What is most meaningful to your spouse? Time together? Love notes? Helping with the dishes? For example, Mindy can give Eric gifts, even really thoughtful ones, but they don’t really make him feel loved. They don’t have much meaning for him. However, if she take a few minutes and rub his shoulders or feet, he feels extremely validated. For Mindy, Eric can do everything else right but if he neglects to arrange quality time for them to be alone to talk on a fairly regular basis, she begins to feel unappreciated.
What makes you feel special? What makes your spouse feel validated? Consider this and share with each other; then commit to fulfilling one thing for your spouse each day. Dr. Gary Chapman explains these ideas in great detail in his book The Five Love Languages.