"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy."
— George Horace Lorimer

Studies show that financial strain is the number-one cause of divorce, and with the state of the economy it may be more intense than many of us have ever seen it. When we are worried about money, there is little emotion or energy left for anything else. Many arguments in marriage are over money. There is hope. For years we read books on money and tried several budgeting systems with improvement but never the full success we aimed for until we found Janine Bolon's principles regarding money (see the resources chapter), and everything began to change. Within a short time we were debt free, and had a nice savings account and a well-stocked food storage.
There are several universally found principles regarding creating wealth and financial stability:

* 1st - Tithe: plain and simple, it's an act of gratitude that shows Heavenly Father you acknowledge the blessing your life is. If you are religious, this one is easy; your church will accept donations. If not, find an organization you believe in and donate to it. When studying the truly wealthy you will find pretty clearly across the board that they tithe and always have.
* 2nd - Save: If you don't save, you will never get ahead. It's true. Often people say they have so much debt that they choose to put any extra money to paying off debt to alleviate that strain as fast as possible. What do most find? That a year later they are even further in debt. Why? Picture debt like a giant cycle. You have a credit card and you want to go out to dinner, buy new clothes, buy groceries, go on vacation, so you charge it on the credit card. Your balance goes up. So you make a payment, maybe even one beyond the minimum balance and the balance goes down. It's like a yo-yo. Even if you vow to stop using the card and pay it off, you cannot break the cycle until you save. Why? Life happens. Say, unexpectedly, you get sick and have a hospital bill or the car breaks down. Yep, you have no choice but to charge it and the debt cycle continues. But what if you set aside some money in a savings account each month? Right there you break the debt cycle and are on your way to financial security! Really! Because now you can pay that unexpected expense with money from your savings account. You did not create a new debt, your debt continues to decrease and you are on your way to independence!

So what if money is so tight your credit cards are keeping you afloat and you don't even have $1 to save? Read on to the 3rd principle.

* 3rd - Learn to Live Frugally and Enjoy It: There is a key to success with this one, enjoying it. For years we tried to live on bare bones and inevitably we'd feel deprived and blow all our progress on a meal out or the like. A great resource is Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin for their ability to illustrate the distortions we can all have regarding money. (Keep in mind their investment advice is outdated to the current market, so seek a professional for that.) They have an amazing strategy for learning how to look at each expense and how fulfilling it is; this tool singlehandedly reversed our deprived spending habits and got us on the path to being debt free.

The next most financially influential tool we found was The Grocery Store Game as taught in Bolon's book Money...It's not just for Rich People (see the resources chapter). This simple way to shop dramatically cut our grocery bill while filling up our pantry and within a few months created a six month supply of food storage! There are so many grocery shopping/coupon programs out there and we've tried several. We found the Grocery Store Game to be by far the most simple and to have the biggest impact on our saving money.

We already tithed, so we used the money we saved on groceries to begin saving and paying off debt. Within a short time we saw our finances reborn, and in a few short years we were free of all consumer debt. You can do it too! Trust us — the freedom from stress and worry over money is worth any sacrifice. You may have heard financial guru Dave Ramsey say, “You live like no one else, so you can live like no one else.” He means you live more frugally than anyone you know for a while so you can live wealthier than anyone else for the rest of your life. (His advice on becoming debt free is also very helpful.)

Whether your finances are such a mess you don't know how to pay your next mortgage payment or tomorrow's food or you just need more money in savings for peace of mind, two things are true: money problems are negatively affecting your relationships and it is possible to get ahead, even in this economy! Of course it takes accountability and action. But that is why you are reading this, right?

Yet financial principles are only one side of the coin.

The Key to Financial Success

We thoroughly believe in the above principles, that they are unalterable laws that govern all mankind. We have applied them in our lives and reaped the blessings and healing they provide and have seen many friends do the same. In addition, we've found that we had some deeply rooted beliefs and emotions in regard to money that had an incredibly negative impact on our ability to succeed. So in addition to the above behaviors, we encourage you to examine your “stories” about money. If you have read chapter 3, you will know we use the word “story” to describe a belief that we have that is so strong it dictates our thoughts and actions without our even being aware.

What are your stories about money? First of all, consider how your mind and body react to that question. Are you impartial, no physical or emotional response? Did you possibly cringe and sigh, thinking about the next bill due? Did you feel sick, the idea of money being such an overwhelming stress? Your initial reaction to the mention of money can be telling of what your deeper beliefs might be. I once heard a woman proclaim, “Oh, I never want to be rich. I would hate for my children to be greedy and have everything handed to them!” She said this with such passion! And her life mirrors that story about money. Hmm, we would like to point out that we know families who struggle financially and yet their kids are demanding and greedy. We also know families who are well off whose children are full of gratitude and have strong work ethics. We submit that money is not the factor in fostering gratitude or greed in children but rather parental training.
You may argue that education is the factor in financial success. What about the many “blue collar” workers who live very comfortably vs. some highly “upper class” individuals who often live on the brink of losing it all? The media is full of examples of both people with nothing, making it rich and the wealthy losing it all.

Keep in mind that our stories/beliefs in the sense we are discussing are not easily identified. Let me share an example. As mentioned above we have had a good level of success for several years with finances. We applied the above principles and became debt free and had money in the bank. We were so grateful! Of course we had bigger plans. We wanted a nicer home, and Eric has always dreamed of working for himself. Our financial state allowed him to pursue different job opportunities and training, but we still never seemed to get as far ahead as we dreamed. Over time our savings began to dwindle, and promotions seemed to dry up. We were confused — we were “doing everything right,” right? We were living the financial principles. Yes, but our hearts were not right in relation to money.

My (Mindy’s) “story” was that I hated money. Really. How could I retain something I hated? As we discovered the idea of stories, we began to look for stories in each area of our life as these stories keep us from what we really want without our necessarily being aware of it. One day I was really down and called my sister. She too had been through a seminar that taught us how to look for and replace these stories. So I called my sister, distressed about how we just couldn't seem to completely break through these financial struggles. I acknowledged all our progress but was frustrated that for some time we hadn't seemed to progress any further and even seemed to be slipping backwards: our savings account emptied as expenses increased while our income stayed the same. We still put money in savings each month, but additional expenses were currently outweighing what was going in.

My sister asked me, “How do you feel about money?” I answered that it's a tool, it can make life easier and I want more of it. She suggested that if that's how I truly felt I would not be having the money stress I was experiencing. She encouraged me to dig deeper. She asked several questions like, “Who do you know with a lot of money?” “Are they happy?” “Why do you want money?” “Are those righteous desires?” (What does your religion teach about money? Many people have misconceptions about wealth in relation to scriptures like “the love of money is the root of all evil.” (1 Tim. 6: 10) Does this strike a chord in you? If so, we suggest you study money, wealth and abundance, in addition with what to do with it, thoroughly in your religious text.)

At first look I could not identify any stories I had about money. But digging deeper I realized I had some pretty strong feelings which stemmed back to my perception as a child that my love could be bought. Like many people, I grew up hearing things like, "When you do such and such I will buy you such and such." I felt money was sometimes used to bribe or coerce me, and I resented that. During my seminar I thought I had reconciled these feelings by putting them into proper perspective and letting the responsibility lie with those who used money this way. I had also identified that I attached money to my self-worth, telling myself that if I was worthy enough I would have the wealth that I wanted. I'd reconciled that too and knew that money was not necessarily good or bad; it was neutral. People can use it for evil like theft, manipulation, love of money more than God, etc., or for good as with micro credit, tithing, providing for their families, etc. But the money itself is simply a tool. Like a hammer, it's a tool; it can be used to injure someone or to build a shelter, but the hammer itself is neutral. I thought I had reconciled all my “stories” about money; how wrong I was.
For several days I searched inside myself for my stories about money and couldn't really seem to find many, or so I thought. I kept considering it, even approaching this in prayer. Finally one night after speaking to my sister again, it hit me with full force! I had a sudden epiphany! I hated money! I realized that deep down, when I was really honest with myself, money had often been a source of pain in my life and I hated it! Passionately! Even though I grew up in a financially successful home, I perceived money as being used for coercion. Also, I did not learn how to manage it properly. As a young adult I began to learn the hard way, but even then I still didn't learn enough. So I brought my bad habits with me into marriage as we initially lived beyond our means with big dreams and few financial principles besides tithing, which I believe kept us afloat and opened the door for learning more principles. Even when we became debt free and had large amounts of money in the bank, I still hated money because I didn't understand the idea of stories and how they affect us.
Eric's story was that he had to save every penny like a miser and create the absolute perfect financial future because it would be his only chance. This left my desires and needs unmet, which fed my story about if I was worthy enough...and the results deeply hurt our relationship. Applying the principles had gotten us out of debt, taught us how to spend wisely, and kept us afloat, but our deep fears and stories kept us from breaking through to true financial freedom and the strong, peaceful, loving, unified marriage we wanted. It took some deep soul-searching and honesty, but as we rooted out those beliefs, we cleared the path for true financial and relationship abundance.

Stories develop over the years, in part from the experiences we've had in life and even more from the way we perceived those experiences. Once we realize that and identify our stories, we can then chose to view things in a different way.

Where are you financially? Do you need principles? What are your stories? Only complete honesty with yourself in both these areas will bring true financial success. As your finances become less stressful and more secure, you will have more emotional and mental energy to give to your marriage and other relationships.

Abundance vs. scarcity:

To gain clarity about how you truly feel about money, please consider the following. How do you see the world: is there enough money, love, goodness for everyone, or is there only so much to go around and if you're not on top, you won't get any? This simple paradigm can affect all your results in life: abundance mentality vs. scarcity mentality. Do you see the world abundantly (there are more than enough great things), or with scarcity (there's a limited supply). How you see wealth, along with everything else, begins in your mind and heart and is manifest by your stories and beliefs. How do we know what our stories and beliefs are? We look at our results in life.

For example Oliver DeMille, founder of George Wythe University (www.gw.edu) shared the following story. When the school was just getting its start, Dr. DeMille was doing a lot of fundraising as he looked for donors to support his cause of building a liberal arts college modeled on the principles of learning and education practiced by our Founding Fathers. On one fundraising trip he had the chance to meet and stay with three families of possible benefactors. The first lived on a large piece of land in Southern California that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. The house was enormous, complete with a pool, guest house and a garage that held some of the most expensive cars made. You can imagine what this must have cost. Clearly this homeowner had a lot of money. When he was approached about donating to the college, he looked bewildered. His reply was, “Do you have any idea what it takes to maintain this lifestyle? I get up at 4:00 a.m. every morning and go to work until midnight, except on Saturdays, when I let myself sleep in until 6:00 a.m. It takes me every waking moment to make enough money to pay for this. Do you any idea how devastated my wife and kids would be if I didn't sustain this lifestyle? I'm sorry. I believe in what you are doing, but I cannot spare a dime.”

The second benefactor Dr. DeMille met with actually lived in an even bigger and more costly home in a very elite gated community. When asked to support the school, his reply was, “I'm sorry I can't help you out. I have competitors biting at my heels, and if I give you money, they might get ahead of me. I can't help you.”

Not to be dissuaded, Dr. DeMille went on to his third appointment. This couple lived with their four young children in a nice but modest townhome in a major California city. Both parents had been highly successful career people when the wife had become pregnant, and they decided she was going to stay home and raise their children. This was a huge cut to their income, so she began studying money and frugality to compensate. As Dr. DeMille walked into the home, he noticed the children's toys about, bookcases covered with classic works, and a nice piece of art on the wall. He honestly was not sure how this family would be able to support the school but kept an open mind. As he sat with the couple and shared his vision, they listened respectfully. Then they responded, “Well, we really believe in your cause, but we do have several organizations we contribute to, so we have discussed it and feel we can give $75,000 to your school.” Yes, $75,000! They wrote him a check right then and there! Remember, this is a true story!
So what is our point? Now, the first two men were rich according to the world's standards, possibly among the richest, but at what cost? Did they have time, peace of mind, good relationships with others? Did they view the world as a place of abundance or scarcity? While the family that donated probably didn't look at all “rich”, yet their home was filled with love, learning and serving mankind, not to mention total financial freedom. Who really lived abundantly?
We do not define wealth as a certain amount of money or a huge home or nice cars. We define wealth as state of being. We believe that being truly wealthy means an abundance of gratitude, joy, love, good relationships, health, and, yes, money. We also believe we should use this abundance to serve mankind and glorify God.
We are discussing abundance vs. scarcity mentality in relationship to money; however, it applies to all areas of life. Is your mindset abundance or scarcity in love, service, health, time? How do you view life? What are your results? What do you want and what are you creating?

Challenges

1. Journal the thoughts and epiphanies you had as you read this chapter.

2. Discuss your thoughts with your spouse. Are you clear about money? What are your feelings about money? What are your goals? Make a plan together if you don't already have one, or adjust your current plan as needed.

To find out more about Marriage & Money, please check out our Resources section. Thank you!