“One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.” — Anthony Robbins

At one point in our marriage we were discussing the many challenges that we had faced. Within a few short years we moved (twice), Eric changed jobs (twice), we took in a foster child, we had illnesses and financial setbacks, and the economy itself was a challenge, etc. These experiences left us tired and frustrated. We had done many things to work on these issues. We studied books, attended seminars, studied more books, listened to books on tape — all in the effort to understand our problems and overcome them. Our goals and intentions were good, but our focus had been on our problems. We realized we had unwittingly fed and encouraged our problems by constantly studying them, thinking about them and living them. It wasn't until we changed our focus that things began to drastically improve.

How many of us are focusing on our problems in almost every aspect of our lives? We often focus on what we do not have or what is currently causing us stress. We seldom have a goal, an aspiration or desire for what we actually want.

Often we are crystal clear about what we don't want. We don't want to get a divorce, we don't want to be poor, we don't want to be overweight; but do we have any idea what we DO want?

When two people consider getting married, it is vital to understand this concept. When two people are striving to strengthen or even save their marriage, it is even more vital to understand this concept. You must each recognize what you want in your marriage and discuss those things without fear or holding back.

Consider the following scenario:

Wife: “Honey, what do you want for dinner tonight?”
Husband: “Not steak.”
Wife: “Okay, what do you want?”
Husband: “Not chicken either. I'm tired of chicken.”
Wife: “So what should I cook? Seafood, pasta, a salad?”
Husband: “Hmm, no.”
Wife: “Should we go out?”
Husband: “Sure, as long as it's not a steak house. Oh I don't feel like fast food either.”
Wife: “So where do you want to eat?”

This could go on forever. Do you see the pattern? The husband knows what he doesn't want, but he does not seem to have any idea what he does want. At this rate do you see dinner happening anytime soon? When they do finally eat, it's likely he'll just settle for whatever, right? It may be a silly example, but many of us actually do this in every aspect of our lives.
What do you want? There are many ways of looking at this concept. Vision, the law of attraction, creation, the old adage “Be careful what you wish for; you might get it.” However you frame it, there is still a principle at work. What we focus on and what we believe manifests in our lives, for better or for worse. The clearer we are about who we are and what we want, why, and when, the more likely we are to attain it.
“The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state.... The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves and also that which it fears” (Allen; 1902; As A Man Thinketh, p.18).

If we spend the day focusing on gratitude, we have a grateful heart and minor setbacks aren’t a bid deal. If we focus on love, we have a loving heart and when the kids are fighting, the house is a mess, work is stressful, etc., we are able to lovingly think through the issues and come at things with a loving heart. This might sound silly to some of you, but all actions and behaviors start with a simple thought. Positive or negative, it motivates our responses and actions.

You can take this down to the power of suggestion; for example, what does a child do when you say, “Don't trip.” They trip! You've seen it. What if you say, “Step carefully?” They step carefully. On a bigger scale, consider people you know who always seems down on their luck. How do they talk about themselves? What is their belief? “Life is so hard. I never come out on top.” Do they get what they believe?

If you are constantly focusing on your problems, sins, weaknesses, sadness, losses, etc., these will continue.

Remember the following scripture:

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” (Matthew 7:7-8).

Heavenly Father loves us so much that He gives us what we ask for, whether it is good or bad. Of course there are exceptions, but generally this is the rule. It is often mentioned like this: “What we focus on expands.”

We learned this in our marriage in a powerful way. At one point in our marriage things were so bad we weren't sure how to keep going. Neither of us wanted a divorce, but threats were made. No matter what we tried, we seemed to keep cycling through the same struggles over and over. We honestly believe it was only by the grace of God that our marriage was healed. Deep in our heart of hearts, not only did we both want to stay married, but we wanted to be together eternally. So even though our words and fears were often negative, our personal desires and pleas to God begged for a strong, peaceful, loving, unified marriage with each other! And that is what we got! God did hear our pleas, and He mercifully taught us many things, healed our hearts and saved our family.
Being clear about what we wanted was a step in unifying our family even before we knew it consciously. As we said, there were hurts, fears and trials, but deep down we were brave enough to admit that more than anything else each of us wanted to be happily married to each other.
We also had to be careful of how we spoke. We realized that for several months we'd been assuring the kids “We are not going to get divorced.” Remember what happens when you tell a child not to trip? There were two problems here: We were clear about what we didn't want rather than being clear on what we did want, and we were focused on divorce in how we were thinking and speaking.

We could go on and on about this truth: you do get what you focus on! So we'll share just two more thoughts.

Affirmations: The majority of books on getting money or on self-improvement discuss your thoughts and speech in one way or another. Many of us remember the Saturday Night Live skit with Stuart Smalley: “I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, I like myself.” Despite his parody of them, affirmations do have impact on our subconscious and our results in life.

An affirmation is a positive, purposeful statement we repeat daily with the focus of creating the results we desire in our lives. Why not try the following for 27 days? Make a one-line affirmation such as “I am valued and respected by my spouse,” “I trust myself,” “I am trustworthy,” or “I will double my income within six months.” The key is to be very specific. Also we've learned something very true about affirmations. We used to hate them because we would make a statement and didn't believe it. Then a friend pointed out that it's not necessarily that the affirmation is not true, i.e., “I am valued and respected by my spouse.” It may be that we cannot see that it is true, and by repeating the affirmation, we open ourselves up to the possibility the affirmation is true. We have experienced this firsthand! The affirmations open up our minds, they create hope and belief in ourselves, and then we begin to see proof of their possibility and reality all around us! It is powerful! Give it a try! You must do it every day for at least 27 days AND repeat it at least 6 times a day. If you miss a day start over, to create the reality in your life! For a deeper knowledge of affirmations, read Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill or Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker.
Gratitude: We all know about gratitude, scriptures on gratitude, and how we feel when we are grateful.

“And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.” (Doctrine and Covenants 78:19)

“And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.” (Doctrine and Covenants 59:21)

We'll share just a couple ways of looking at gratitude that may change your perspective a little. When we focus on all our trials and struggles, it becomes hard to even see any good in our lives and relationships. Bottom line, it's not that there isn't any joy or good; but sometimes we truly cannot even see it, feel it or acknowledge it. But it is there, and just stopping and thinking of 5 or 10 things you are grateful for can change your entire focus and attitude! Really! Try it! Right now, stop reading and find 10 things to be grateful for or admire in your spouse. Easy or hard? Can you name 25? Would you be willing to write them down or verbally share them with him or her? What about 25 general things you are grateful for. If this is a bit hard, that may be a big signal you could use more gratitude in your life.

The Bible speaks of “ears to hear and eyes to see.” When we are negative, overwhelmed, or stressed, we find we don't have “ears to hear and eyes to see” all the goodness, love and blessings around us.

“For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them” (Matthew 13:15).
When we focus on gratitude and say our affirmations, our hearts and eyes are opened and we begin to see and feel the blessings that are there amidst the trials.

“Good thoughts and actions can never produce bad results: bad thoughts and actions can never produce good results.... Men imagine that a thought can be kept secret, but it cannot. It rapidly crystallizes into habit, and habit solidifies into circumstance” (Allen; 1902; As A Man Thinketh, p.24,28).

If we are to move forward and change our lives for the better, we must change our focus. If money is the problem, we must focus on abundance. If sin is the problem, we must repent and focus on the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the good news of His gospel. If loss is the problem, we must learn to look forward to the beautiful potential in front of us. You get the point. You get what you focus on!

So what do you want? Are you completely clear about it? How does it feel, sound, look?

What are you willing to do to get what you want? How badly do you really want it?

We encourage you to get clear about what you want. Watch your thoughts and speech and if you really want to create new things in your life consider the tools of affirmations and gratitude.

“Emotion is the key. Whatever your dominant emotion is, is what determines your future.” (Householder; 2008; Hidden Treasures, p.80.)
Try combining gratitude with affirmations by repeating your affirmation(s) 6 times morning and night and writing down 5 new things each day you are grateful for, for at least 27 days. Journal how it impacts your life and focus.

If you really want these principles to have an impact on your life, write your answers down and reread them often. Share them with each other. Please do not move forward until you have a clear vision of what you BOTH want and write it down. A clear vision of how you want your family to be is vital to get you through the challenging times and to lead a meaningful and joyful life.

Challenges

1.Everyday this week, begin your day by writing down 5 things you are grateful for. Each night before sleeping, mentally review the good things about your day.

2.Write 3 affirmations that are meaningful to you. An affirmation is a positive, purposeful statement you repeat daily with the focus of creating it in your life. The key is to be specific. Say the affirmation out loud in front of a mirror 6 times morning and night for 27 days. Watch for proof of it coming into your life.

3.Spend some time in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed. Imagine your ideal life. Who is there? What are you doing? How do you feel? Be as detailed as possible. Include sights, smells, etc. Once your vision is complete, write it down and read it daily.

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